Sunday, July 18, 2010

Climate Control

I don't have much to say here. My apologies to the two or three people who might have periodically checked this blog to see what I have to say (Get a life, people. Please. I'm the least interesting person I know.), but sometimes it's best to leave things alone. Maybe where I've been this summer...

The other day on the radio, there was an interview with Lou Holtz. He coached a lot of football back in the day at Arkansas, Notre Dame, and South Carolina, among others. He was always successful everywhere he went, and by virtually all accounts I've read or heard he's a great fellow. So I paid a little attention to what he had to say. Normally the radio is used exclusively for background noise, or something to remind me I'm not completely alone, or that I even exist at all. But it was nice to hear Dr. Lou's voice. It reminded me of fall for a moment.

He said, when asked about the secrets to his successes in life the following: "Everyone needs four things in their life. They need Something to Do. They need Someone to Love. They need Something to Believe In. And they need Something to Look Forward To."

Proper grammar aside, this struck me as a little unsettling. At first glance, I'm pretty sure I'm batting about .250. I've got plenty to do, but I don't want to do almost all of it. That can't be healthy.

Is Lou talking about work? Hell, nearly 50% of the population works, so I doubt that's what he's talking about here. Maybe I need to look in to this a bit more. I don't want to read too much into what he has to say here, because the essence of that message is relatively simple. It can't be work. Maybe. Unless Lou's making an assumption we should like what we do... The only reason I work construction at all is that I don't know what the hell else to do, and that people tell me I'm pretty good at it, when I actually take the time to do it. Anyway, I guess maybe I'm batting zero. I have a hard time saying I've got Something to Do here. I think the fact that it confuses me is a very bad sign...

If there's one thing in this world I'm scared of, it is Love. I don't want any part of it right now, because it involves a calculated risk with all the variables completely out of my control. Everytime I've loved Someone, it ends with the person I'm with fucking whomever they care to anyway, so I don't see any benefit to it. I guess some people have it, and good for them. I'm pretty sure I don't know what it's like, or I know exactly what it's like, and it's awful. Just hasn't worked out here. There has been no reward to faithfulness to another in my experience. I'm not even claiming I'm worth a damn--I know I'm not--but I don't need someone else shitting all over me anymore to make themselves feel better. (And I've done my share of shitting all over other people as well) So I get an F on Lou's report card in that department. I don't trust anyone. Not right now, at least...

Is it healthy that what I miss most is the fighting? Shit, Lou...That's Something to Do with Someone You Love! I don't miss the sex. I haven't been in a relationship with anyone who knew how to fuck worth a damn since college, so that part of the deal has been substandard for about twenty years anyway, and completely unworthy of the time or effort. A trained professional is the best way to go in that department...I guess it's unhealthy when what you miss most about "Love" is being reminded what a horrible piece of shit you are...every fucking day. Sure, once or twice a month, it's nice to have company when you're not being lectured for a few minutes about how bad you suck, but those moments have been so rare that I might as well go see a goddamned psychiatrist and cough up the hundred bucks an hour. It would be exactly as real...

Today, I visited with my uncle. He was up from Tennessee for a 40th Class Reunion, and he went by my folks for a bit this morning. That man has Things he Believes In. I can't say I share his opinions on such things as stockpiling weapons, militias, survival bunkers, Civil War art, secession from the Union, politics, aerodynamics, race relations, thermodynamics, highway traveling practices, taxation, or virtually anything else we could talk about, but he remains one of the funniest men I've ever met in my life. It was all I could do to not talk politics with the man, because I felt I was being baited today...

He leaned back in his chair at one point and said to my father, brother, and me: "Boys, I hope y'all are gonna vote this fall. We need to vote Republican, and stop all this nonsense that's goin' on out there."

"I don't vote for anyone that's been in office at all, Rob," I replied.

"That's good!" He got a little more excited. "These people are just out to destroy our world!" And then I think it registered with him on some faint level that the people in office from the state of Kansas are very likely to be, in fact, Republicans. But he went instead on a half-hour ramble about the virtues of living in Tennessee--how the weather is better and the people are better, and the taxes are better, and how it really wasn't so hot here in Kansas--hell, the humidity is even higher in Tennessee!

Now, I knew Robbie was full of shit right there, because I know good and Goddamned well that Tennessee didn't have three months of snow cover over the winter. And it was not at all comfortable in Kansas today. I sit at this terminal two hours after sunset in 92 degree heat inside. That's not comfortable. But I'm not being taxed for running a fucking air conditioner, either...

But I thought that this was one of those moments where it's best to simply say nothing...I don't know how else to respond...until Rob mentioned that Obama isn't even a black man. "He's a halfbreed."

"Well, you're just nitpicking right there," was my response. Then, I went outside to have a cigarette, only sure that I had a great number of Things in Which I Didn't Believe. But dammit, Robbie knows where he stands, and he's a hell of a lot happier than I am. Maybe Lou's right, and that helps...

Part of my problem here, and I know it's my problem, is that I realize that virtually all levels and functions of our government are bankrupt, and have been for some time. Unlike the Democrats and Republicans, who both seem to have the ability to still blame each other as the problem in this manner, I don't see any resolution to the ongoing bankruptcy stalemate. Everyone involved is the problem, and anyone who remains entrenched in the thought processes of our nations' political system miss that point. Neither party finds it in their best interest to fix the problems. A wholesale political and economic restructuring of the country is needed to "fix" this mess of a situation, and no one here has the guts to commit to a wholesale revolution. Outside of politics, it's somehow tacky to hurt people's feelings anymore...And inside politics, people quite simply do not want to hear the truth, regardless of party affiliation.

Maybe I Look Forward To Robbie coming back to visit sometime. If I can possibly stay sober until he returns, we might have something to talk about.