The Royals were winning earlier in the year, but I had a bad feeling about one day’s game, in which we started Kyle Davies. The 2011 Kansas City Royals could well have the worst starting rotation in the history of Major League Baseball, and that's saying something because the Royals field a team every year. The following texts were all sent to my brother. We can bet once a week, $5 only, and the loser of the bet may challenge that week's winner to a second bet that week to make the money back. Going back to opening day of last year, I have now lost $85 consecutively in all bets concerning the Kansas City Royals, and there is no end in sight. Monthly updates will follow.
“Just bed dad 5 bucks that SOB hiram fails to complete four innings. My royal hate continues to affect my pocketbook. Can’t stand this suckstick.” 4/13/11 10:51a.m.
“HATE HATE HATE” 4/13/11 11:16 a.m.
“I didn’t do enough research to prevent making a bad bet on that no-passion assbag davies. Just listen. He’ll go about 4.2, 8 runs.” 4/13/11 11:21a.m.
After the team victory, another to Travis:
“HATE HATE I still f-in HATE! HATE!” 4/13/11 5:12 p.m.
“It would be nice if hochevar could offend davies’ honor. Hiram, being a dipshit from Georgia, would challenge to a duel. Two shots, two down is my dream.” 4/15/11 6:12 p.m.
“Good point. I don’t need either killed-if they blew the shit off each others’ right arm I would be satisfied. I’d pay 500 bucks to watch. Plus parking.” 4/15/11 6:15 pm
“Don’t allow yourself to think luke is making progress if he looks good. The m’s are a AAAA team, and he should be dragged amongst wild horses if he looks bad. Let’s bet something on his performance. I want to fortify my discontentment with this ass sack by losing money. Name the bet. I’ll probably take it.” 4/15/11 6:36 p.m.
“He’s fucking awful. About 95 pitches, a couple more strikes than balls. The mariners are that bad. We get one run off felix tomorrow, we’ll beat them. 4/15/11 8:00 pm
“He’s much better than hiram, but he’s dogshit buried in a plastic bag.” 04/15/11 9:00 pm
“Soria cannot throw a strike at all these days.” 04/15/11 10:00 pm
Don't worry about me, folks. Life's not all about baseball.
“If I were to break the law, I would shoot out one tire a night on the local ice cream van. Stalk the SOB.” 04/18/11 4:18 pm
After the bet on Sean O’ Sullivan’s start: Travis and I set the over/under on innings pitched at 4. I didn’t win.
“Damn.” 04/21/11 8:10 pm.
“I will not bet on francis. Mentally prepare for me to try to wager against the worst pitcher in history tomorrow. I’m already down five on hiram this year.” 04/22/11 3:13 pm
Somehow, and I will go to my grave wondering how it happened, I lost this bet as well:
“Over under on WHIP, including hit batsmen for davies tonight. Season is 1.95. I would take over at 2, if you agreed.” 04/23/11 5:38 pm.
“I would like to bet that hochevar will fail to make it through the lineup three times. This year he averages 26 3/5 batters per start.” 04/26/11 4:55 pm.
In the middle of Hochevar “facing” the lineup for a futile attempt at a fourth time.
“Hochevar is a motherfucker.” 04/26/11 8:08 pm.
“I should start betting against francis.” 04/27/11 6:42 pm.
At one point this April, left fielder Alex Gordon had a 20 game hitting streak. That was before I bet it would go 21.
“Dad hates yost too. I suspect Gordon is getting sick of the losing. I’ll bet five bucks he hits tonight. If you are trying to get money out of me-your chance-“ 04/27/11 6:49 pm.
“Official game only. I think i messed up here. We’re stalling. This thing could easily end after 4 1/2… Gordon o fer with a walk or two.” 04/27/11 6:57 pm.
“I Am petrified at davies’ future performance since I am prevented from gambling against it. He won’t make it out of the first.” 04/28/11 2:00 pm. I was right about this one. Davies shit gasoline all over the personal bonfire that is his statline with this one. 4 homers, a whole bunch of runs. I lost track, and turned the game off.
“It would be nice if davies was forced to go 9 tonight. I will root for whatever team he pitches against, including the yanks, for the rest of his short career.” 04/28/11 7:15 pm
Finally, distraction and desperation:
“Wanted to bet butell 150 bucks on game tonight but he would not. Have not taken a proper shit since easter. Had one piece of ham. Tasted like a salt lick. Just bought two huge burritos from kwik shop, though not hungry. Something will change here.” 04/29/11 10:37 pm.
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