The Smokescreen

You should know what you’re getting into before getting on the phone with me. I haven’t touched a drink in over a couple of years. I went to 30-day treatments twice—once in June of 2006, and most recently in June-July of 2009. I didn’t complete the 30-day cycle in 2009. Got kicked out of the treatment facility twice in 2009, and was able to talk them into keeping me around the first time, but not the second. I was forced to leave after around 25 days, and they required me to go directly to a halfway house, or they would not have re-admitted me. (I had to negotiate with the director of the clinic terms upon which they would re-admit me at that time. I didn’t think it would be possible to go any period of time at all with sobriety. At that point, the longest I’d gone without a drink was about 100 days.) It was determined in 2009 by the clinicians that I was really a lost cause because of my inability to pinpoint and control the anger issues. I’m starting to think they were right.

I don’t have any idea what to say about all that—if I could effectively control the anger, I’m certain I would have done so by now. It’s not enjoyable. There is no pleasure in being the angriest person I’ve ever met. When I was drunk, it was impossible to pinpoint exactly what the source of the anger might be, so I didn’t much worry about all that in the treatment environment. I find now, it’s still impossible to pinpoint. The last trip I took to Valley Hope in Halstead was just a way to clean my mind, and to try and detox in an environment that was medically monitored. I had DTs for almost a week after checking into that clinic. I think this is quite rare…No one else that came or went during my time down there was shaking and trembling like myself…Then again, no one else down there was drinking well upwards of a half-gallon of vodka every day, either. Funk likes to say I was almost dead at that point—he may be right, but I’m afraid he might have been off the mark there a bit. If I had the money to continue to do so, I would have had a hell of a lot left in me. I fear I still do.

The one thing I’m absolutely sure of is that the alcohol won’t make the anger go away. I would be drunk right now if I were somehow convinced that were the case. So, I’ve got that going for me. I save some money. Unfortunately, I don’t feel I’ve made any headway at all in addressing the real issues that are quite obviously still there. I don’t expect you or anyone else to be able to figure this out, either. I’ve certainly shared this with many, many others. I’ve spent a lot of money in this pursuit over the years, and it’s netted me nothing but less money. So I’ve suspended seeking the help of professionals. Maybe a bad move, but they aren’t going to tell me anything I don’t already know. Or at least the previous six or seven professionals I’ve talked with didn’t…

The only thing I got out of the treatment experience of 06 was the most miserable relationship I’ve ever experienced in my life. I think there might have been some good times, but I sure as hell can’t remember what those were. So, I didn’t follow any advice from that 2006 experience, and I would consider it an absolute waste of time except that I was given some clear-cut indications of actions that were quite obviously ineffective in terms of dealing with myself and others. The net result of that experience is that I stay 100% away from women completely. I still hate the entire concept of women. This isn’t at all fair to the one or two percent of women who might possibly be worth a damn, but oh, well. I know with absolute certainty I’m not worth a damn either, so I figure all is fair there. They stay the fuck away from me, and I leave them alone. At least I’m not making another individual miserable.

There are some positives to come from not being drunk. I’m not so totally blinded at all times by the underlying anger issue that it’s impossible to rationally evaluate the entire picture. I started a business with a friend of mine a couple of years back, and I’ve been able to work full-time at this endeavor since the start of this year. We’re not getting rich or anything, but we’re able to pay the bills. (To be fair, I’m doing this ONLY because I’ve rendered myself through my previous behaviors to be completely unemployable. I’d been self-employed in construction for nearly a decade prior to starting this business, and it doesn’t appear employers have much faith to hire a person like me during severe economic downturns. Again, I did this to myself, I get it, and I’m okay with it. I just thought it should be noted here.)

I’m able to keep appointments I’ve made. To most people, this wouldn’t seem like a big deal, but to me it is. This is probably my most impressive achievement over the past two years. (I’ve made a deal with myself that no drinking may occur while I’m still in debt. In a period of two years time from today, I’m scheduled to be completely debt free, so I guess I’d better go shopping for a fucking houseboat or something…) I don’t know what legitimacy these “deals with self” carry, because they nullify themselves immediately upon drunkenness. But so far, this one, and it’s the only one I’ve really made, has worked.

When I got out of the recent treatment of ’09, I stated before they required me to live in a halfway house. I did that. I lived in Hearthstone, an outfit in downtown Lawrence. I hated every second of it, but that’s not the point. I would gladly do it again if I was in the same situation. It provided structure. I didn’t like that structure, of course, and I suppose that was part of the learning curve. Another requirement of Valley Hope for my eventual readmission was the attendance of 90 meetings in 90 days. So I did that too.

There is a little shithole of an Alano Club in downtown Lawrence, 311 E. 9th. You might know of it. When I was living at Hearthstone, a morning weekday meeting was getting started there. I was coerced by one of the other residents of the house to lead one of these newly started morning meetings, and I finally agreed to do so, only so I could quit being asked to do the task. Within two weeks, every other person who was on the board to lead those meetings had relapsed, and I was stuck sitting around Hearthstone with a key to the club. I figured my choice was to suspend operations of that morning meeting, or to continue to unlock the club every fucking day in the hopes that some other people would eventually become involved on some level and hopefully lead some meetings…

What happened there is at least somewhat remarkable. For starters, I’m not drunk right now. So that’s something. There was a very small nucleus of people that began attending those meetings with almost no clean time, and today I can count at least five people with between two and three years sobriety today. This was very much a blind leading the blind phenomenon. I can’t explain any of that, because none of us knew what the hell we were doing, and I still don’t. In any event, for more than a few people now, the result has been some level of continued sobriety. I’ve even made a few friends through this process. Another benefit, in some circles. (River City, the home group of that club, probably has the highest rate of relapse of any group in the state of Kansas. The percentage of homeless and indigent attendees is very high. Consequently, the rate of true mental illnesses unrelated to alcoholism is also high. I have no way to explain what has happened in that little group, except that it has happened. I chose that group, or maybe that group chose me, primarily because I knew the odds of seeing an attractive woman in one of those meetings was exceedingly low.)

I unlocked that club every single weekday for almost four months. After only a couple of months, I had to move out of Hearthstone because I had another set of bills to pay for the family farm, where I still live. I didn’t think it was necessarily a good decision at the time to move out of there, but I figured I’d sink or swim. I didn’t know I’d be stuck in one of those survival floats for a couple of years…

So, over time, I had to cut back on attending that meeting daily. I don’t live in Lawrence. I have to work. So now, I go to the Wednesday morning 7am, the same one I signed on to back in August of ’09. There are three or four others who go in there and usually get the doors unlocked on time, I am told. I go to the meeting here in Baldwin as well. It is held every Saturday night, and when I first started going there, there were three old guys with over 35 years each sitting at that table every week. One has since passed, and I’m sure the others will kick off at some point along the way…how it goes…

It’s possible I’m very close to spiritually flatlined. Others speak often of praying, letting go and letting god, etc. etc. etc. I don’t do that stuff. It’s not because of reluctance to do so, I don’t think. It could be a fundamental breakdown with my entire construct of god. Maybe it shows. God doesn’t balance my checkbook. The only thing that I know has kept me sober for any period of time was the realization that I was willing to accept any change in the state of my affairs, good or bad. I had gotten to the point of indifference on what exactly that change may be. I’ve read the Bible. Good story. I’ve read the Koran. Same thing. Studied Buddhism, Confucianism, Communism, Capitalism, and every other thing you could imagine, including virtually every bit of approved literature provided by AA. I’ve read most of the stuff provided by NA as well, but my issue is not, nor has it ever been, with drugs not named alcohol. I’ve certainly done virtually every drug available, but that wasn’t what was making my life a fucking mess. So I’ve settled in with the AA. It’s the only thing that has worked.

I have no problem separating spirituality from organized religion. Then again, I’m not sure either has any role whatsoever in my life today. I don’t know where to start to affect a change here. I don’t know that I have the ability to fully embrace the spiritual aspect at all. I have thought from time to time through observation of the events occurring so fluidly in others’ lives that this would eventually sink in. It has not. I don’t believe it is due to reluctance on my part to actively pursue or embrace it. Then again, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. The pursuit here is supposed to be spiritual growth, I’m told. I guess I’ve left myself quite a bit of room for that.

I don’t mean to be dismal, but I felt these were important points. It’s quite likely nothing written above has any relevance at all. I try to help others, but I’m so fucked up in the head, I don’t know what service I could possibly be to anyone on an individual level. I don’t have the ability to help myself. There’s even a guy who selected me to sponsor him. I told him straight up that he couldn’t make a worse choice, and that I really couldn’t do anything helpful at all except to share with him what I had done to avoid drinking in certain circumstances. Even that isn’t too damned helpful. I usually tell him I didn’t drink. It’s the dumbest fucking answer anyone in duress could ever hope to hear, but so far, he hasn’t made me drunk, and I guess I haven’t made him drunk yet either. He now has over a half a year…but it’s not at all because of anything I’ve said or done.

I apologize for this long-winded response to a request for a phone call. If you choose to read it, great, and if not, I can’t blame you. I thought a little background was important. I’m way more fucked up than Funk could ever imagine if he’s casually mentioned in passing that I’m doing “okay,” or “much better.” It’s a smokescreen I’ve built so people who care for me on some level will quit fucking worrying. I’m so tired of being a continual burden to others. A very strong argument can be made that I’ve made no progress whatsoever, except to possibly build a foundation for eventual improvement. I hope it is possible.

Congratulations on 3 ½ years sober. I have no idea on earth how you’ve done it. If you consider yourself “happy, joyous, and/or free,” I really don’t know how you’ve done it. From what I hear from Funk, however, it’s readily apparent you’re doing a hell of a lot better than me, so I thought I’d seek you out. At this writing, I find myself much more open and willing to suggestions and practical applications to live an effective life than at any point I can remember.

Slade