Last 4.5 billion (or six thousand—we’ll get to that later) years been bringing you down?
Never fear—there’s a conspiracy for that! In fact (or alternative fact—again, later…) our more enlightened friends know that conspiracies are the answer to all our questions! If something doesn’t make sense, it’s probably a conspiracy. If something does happen to make sense, we likely have a conspiracy to thank for maintaining the delicate balance of life on our planet.
How did we get here? Fortunately for us, the gently thuggish invisible wand of those guiding the conspiracies maintains at least a little order. Otherwise, we’d all be goose-stepping (but only selectively holocausting) Nazis clucking a bizarre dialect composed of Russian, Arabic, and Japanese grunts, all the while bowing tribute to our alien overlords at the Antarctic Capitol. And we’d damn well like it. Count your blessings, people, for we are fortunate souls, indeed.
Have you ever wondered “What’s wrong with those physicists? Why can’t they just concoct a unified theory?” Have your feelings ever been hurt? Why won’t anyone just come out and tell you how much infinity is? Did the chemtrails pull your hamstring? Whatever happened to the dossier that proved Hoffa killed Kennedy after they lost Marilyn Monroe in a Super Bowl bet with the Bush family’s oil cabal and the mob, at one of J. Edgar Hoover’s annual cross-dressing parties at the World Trade Center? Conspiracy. It makes sense, even if you don’t want it to. And THEY certainly don’t want you to understand.
We all know the CIA is up to something. That’s what THEY do. If it weren’t for THEM, the FBI, ATF, NSA, and Area 51, wouldn’t the NWO be calling all the shots with the Bilderbergers? Or has it already happened? Why do the illuminati have all the fun? Where’s our fun? What did THEY do with Atlantis, anyway? Just about everyone who is anyone has a cool acronym to boast—what the hell happened to our cool acronyms? We need to GTFO of our old way of thinking, and take charge of our more thoroughly defined and crowd-sourced THEMS.
What about the Pyramids of Giza? Cuzco? Stonehenge? What on earth were THEY thinking? It probably wasn’t of this earth. We should all be happy we don’t have to do all the thinking for THEM. Our tiny little heads would hurt. Shouldn’t we all just drop what we’re doing, and go make sweet love to our local freemasons in a wildly insufficient, yet filthy and wholly inappropriate expression of our deferred gratitude for their protection and guidance? The choice is yours.
Think about it, people: If we really went to the moon half a century ago, where is all the moon cheese at the grocery store? Wouldn’t we be eating the moon by now, so we could concentrate solely on war, instead of growing crops, working, living, etc.? Thank your local conspiracist for this relative peace we endure.
Like so much fluoride in the water supply, conspiracies are an everyday part of our existence. Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re going to be here, no matter what. There’s already too much hate in this world. Have you hugged your favorite conspiracy today?
There’s still hope for all that moon cheese. Well, there’s hope unless the moon is a hologram, and then we’d just have to eat holographic moon cheese and like it. But what if we lived in a world where all the conspiracies tied together neatly? Shouldn’t that big spotlight hovering 28 miles above this flat earth of ours actually illuminate a better way of thinking? Wouldn’t we all be less confused and bewildered? It seems like most of us could use a new THEM, anyway. Let’s all figure out what THEY are really up to, so we know where to more properly focus our individual (and collective) angst, contempt, and disgust.
We must create a Theory of Hypothetically Executed Melees that explains the bonds intertwining all conspiracies. If you’re a time traveler who has already accomplished this feat, thank you in advance, and please disregard this notice. But shame on you for doing it in the future, if time actually exists.
However, if the rest of us (those still bound by the artificial time-space constraints—you know who you are!) work together, we’ll create a better and more perfect THEM. Only one thing can stop us, and that’s paranoia. Well, paranoia and THEM. That’s two things, but it’s only that way because that’s what THEY want you to believe.
Let’s do this, people. It seems like we should be the judge for a change. Do you think THEY want that? If you have links between existing conspiracies, or have budding knowledge of a conspiracy not yet listed here, please share. It’s a big, bad world out there, and we all know it’s out to get us.
Let’s just live, laugh, and love this thing out, because that’s exactly what THEY don’t want us to do.
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