Painful Indifference

I talked to a friend earlier today, (I say talked, but these days, it's damned near impossible to get anyone to talk over the phone. I've mostly quit trying. It's all made up of a bunch of text messages, chat room crap and things like that) and found out a little about myself from our brief exchange of ideas.

I've known for a long time I've got a poor attitude about a lot of things, and I think I'm trying to work on that character defect. I even think it's a sincere effort, but I've never exactly been in this position of general dissatisfaction and confusion. Well, I have been in exactly this position, but I guess I didn't give a damn about it or about anything else until this past year. I just kind of let it slide, along with everything else...

Some time back, I had a dream. In it, my friends' wife and kids were walking by my place while I was working in the yard. I saw them walking by, and waved, and his son yelled out to me, "Pants are for suckers!" So periodically, usually on the weekend, I'll call (or text--usually text these days, sadly) to remind my friend we're both probably on the wrong side of the sucker fence. His son, incidentally, is still young enough to lack the lasting ability to remain fully clothed at all times. It's great to be too young to care...

Anyway, this morning I'd relayed that I thought a new pantsless look was going to become a trend. It seems that way, anyhow. Some young actress (I assume she's an actress. I don't know what she does, but she looks good doing it.) by the name of Blake Lively decided to trot around the Letterman set wearing what appeared to be only a shirt, and a set of heels. Good for her. I liked it, anyway. I further notified my friend that this look would probably be best pulled off by the hot chicks, since they aren't really expected to think in our society, anyway. I'd just stop wearing pants, too, since no one had come to expect me to think for the past couple of decades either.

He replied, in reference to the hotties, "I haven't been giving them a break. Have you?" I'd told him previously that I wasn't giving out any more free passes based on looks. I expected, perhaps wrongly, for people to behave like human beings.

"Nope. Not gonna start now either, tho i've realized it's pretty unlikely i'll ever find anyone i really like. And I won't keep around anyone i dont. So it goes.." I find it hard to express myself in 160 characters.

"Well, at least your attitude sucks. That helps quite a bit" He had over a hundred to spare.

He lives less than a half mile away, and I've been over to his home maybe a couple of times in the past year. It's not that I don't want to see him and his family--I love them to death--It's just that each trip over there is a somewhat painful reminder of all that I don't have in life. I'm not even sure that I want what he's got...the home, the beautiful wife, and the wonderful kids...but it's another example of complete failure and lack of effort on my part to advance myself in any way, until very recently. So I don't go over there, unless I must.

"I struggle with it constantly, and i know it's a tremendous weakness. It's hard giving anyone a break when you don't like yourself." I replied.

"You've got to give to get. If you need a lift, lift someone else up. What other cliches can I think of. I hear ya, but you would the means to like yourself better could include forgiving others of their shortcomings and your own" Well, this is another thing I hate about these texts. Sometimes they come through on my end fragmented--I never know. Maybe this was the complete thought. He's got stuff going on over there. This morning, I didn't over here.

"I try that. I dont open that club in the mornings for fun. Come to think of it, I dont do much of anything for fun. Thats part of the problem. When I do try to give, i know nothing should be expected, and that is very often the case. Just numb to everything, like being f-d up, but no benefits." And I meant every word of this. Sad, but true.

"I guess I understand some of what you said. How much do you distinguish between rewarding and fun? Maybe too much. That should certainly be rewarding and therapeutic. You can not be both numb and aware unless you lacked emotion or an understanding of your surroundings and this is certainly not your condition. So, you are neither numb or lack understanding, but lack clarity of purpose. Who do you serve? This is a question worth considering. Then consider who you should serve and how you will rectify this shortcoming. This is all I think about in family relationships, work, socially...whatever." Okay, he's way over 160 characters now. But not done: "In conclusion: If you are not willing (and without reluctance or cynicism about it) to serve others, you will remain unhappy. This is a decision we make. I feel guilt when I am selfish or have been inconsiderate of others because I have failed to serve them. It takes away from them. I guess this is 'my thing' right now. This is my own path and testimony, but it could be good"

My friend brokers mortgage loans. I think. Or he did. He just started a new job, and I don't exactly know what he's doing now, but he continued, "My new motto: Realtors are People also. (Indicating they are something in addition to being homo-sapiens opposed to the 'Realtors are people too',indicating inclusionary status of a group. They may be jerks at times, but they are human. I am human. Human. Do you realize how enjoyed the next warm up should be? With or without pants"

A change in the weather could certainly do me a world of good right now: "thx. I just have absolutely no idea what my purpose or place in life might be. I'm confused and frustrated a lot. It's not what I want. With or without pants."

"Your purpose is to serve others. That is my point. Be happy about that. Not expecting people to serve you, you see. I have alwasy been a bit of an existentialist"

So ended our conversation. Then I wondered how much time Sartre spent wandering around looking for a belt to keep his pants up...

And I guess it's a good thing I don't take the world of sport too damned seriously anymore. It's one of my few pursuits, however, that I would classify as "fun." I enjoy watching legitimate competition. I've blown up TVs and wrecked apartments over the outcomes of events in the past, and at least I don't take this business too goddamned seriously now. I can't get hung up with that sort of emotional investment, since I have absolutely no control over the eventual outcomes.

It's time to give my Jayhawks a break, I suppose. I'll never understand why they waited until they were done playing to give a damn, but that's none of my business, except that I'd spent quite a bit of time pulling for them for reasons I no longer understand. I'll give them a break for playing ten minutes of legitimate basketball over the past 80 or so allotted to them. And I'll give them a pass for bawling like little kids, despite their apparent continuing indifference to the task at hand. I take nothing away from Northern Iowa. A team should have to play basketball with skill and effort the entire time the clock is running to win a contest, and this was accomplished by their fine squad. I wish them the best.

They're all just kids, and god only knows I've spent far too much of my adult life crying over likewise spilled milk...now I guess I can root whole-heartedly for K-State and Frank Martin. I'm positive that bunch will put forth their best effort, and perhaps they can teach me a thing or two about how to be a better person today.