The Easy Way Out

I'm not sure how it exactly went down, but I'm almost sure there was a conversation between a couple of troublemakers. In my twisted mind, it went something like this:

Setting: Probably some bar somewhere. Houston, maybe? Dane Cook is sitting and drinking Zima alone, and is approached by a stranger.

Satan: Something troubling you buddy? You look down.

DC: Now that you ask...yeah. Can I buy you a Zima?

Satan: You could, but I'd have to leave. (To bartender): Just bring me a bottle of whiskey. (To DC): So, what's on your mind.

DC: It's just...I try and I try to draw attention to myself, but it appears I'm never going to be famous. Nothing ever seems to work!

Satan: What kind of attention are you looking for? There are a lot of...methods by which one can stand out from the crowd.

DC: Do you ever just wish you were famous? It's all I think about. All the fame, and the fortune, and all the hot young boys in tight pants that must come along with that fabulous lifestyle!

Satan: I know exactly what you mean, Dane.

DC: How did you know my name?

Satan: You're wearing a shirt that says, "I'm Dane Cook. Look at me."

DC: Oh, yeah. I had about fifty of those printed up last year...sometimes I forget.

Satan: Do you ever wish you didn't have to wear that goddamned shirt everywhere?

DC: Well, as far as wardrobe goes, this is pretty much what I'm down to now. I have them in five colors! The hot pink is fabulous!

Satan: That's great, Dane. Really great...but don't you think there's a better way?

DC: How do you mean? I've tried everything I know to do?

Satan: Maybe you just don't know very fucking much. There are shortcuts out there. I know people who can give you a lift.

DC: I do too, but the blow just doesn't cut it like it used to, and it's getting hard affording the stuff on my...

Satan: (Cuts Dane off): No, no, no! People who can get you where you want to go in your life. You must understand, however...there's a tradeoff.

DC: You mean...I could be famous?!?

Satan: That's exactly what I mean.

DC: Tell me more...I'll do anything!

Satan: I know you will, Dane. I know you will...that's why I'm here. (Satan takes a slug from his bottle and offers it to Dane) Here. Drink. It seals the deal.

DC: Ewww. That stuff makes my breath yucky!

Satan: Drink it, you goddamned Nancy!!!

DC: (Reluctantly takes a tiny shot, starts gagging and coughing, while Satan laughs in obvious pleasure) That's dreadful!!! (Dane grabs for a napkin to dry his eyes and starts fanning himself with both hands, as if his head is on fire)

Satan: Here's what you have to do: (Satan reaches in his coat pocket, and pulls out a business card) Here's the number of a guy I know that runs a comedy club downtown. That's where you start. Get up on stage, and just be yourself. Everything else will fall into place.

DC: But I'm not funny...at all.

Satan: That won't matter. Trust me. Just be yourself. Except for one thing--you can act as gay as you want, but during your act you should talk extensively about your sexual exploits with women. Project the lie. Have fun with it! You're a good enough looking guy, and you'll want to appeal to all the clueless and humorless broads out there. It's the "Ricky Martin" phenomenon. These bitches will want to think you're straight, and therefore you'll be good for something to them besides picking out curtains. Maintain the illusion. I did a deal with Ricky in Miami a few years back. Worked out okay, eh?

DC: Do I have to come up with an act?

Satan: Of course not. Just do whatever it is that you've been doing, keep powdering up your nose if you have to, and twit and flit all over the stage, and some people will find you hilarious. Hell, flop around on the stage like a dying manatee if you want. Just keep in mind that people without humor think that some things are funny too. Those things just aren't ever funny, and you don't even have to try to be funny. It's a huge market. We're gunning for dullards here, Dane. Look at what I've done with Leno. He still has to edit the scripts personally on a daily basis to reach the right market. Those writers just don't goddamned get it! All you have to do is be yourself. In addition to being my bitch for all eternity.

DC: Well, you're cute enough, so I could handle that part of the deal, but I don't know...when I get in front of those lights on stage...I'm afraid I might sweat a little. I'd look all yucky.

Satan: (Puts an understanding hand on Dane's shoulder, and says with a smile): That's just the look those hot young boys in tight pants are looking for, Dane.