I thought about naming this post, "Slade Dillon, Kick-Ass Mechanic." But then I thought about it a little more... I've got close to $100 tied up in parts for various tractors, lawnmowers, and vehicles from just this week's tinkering. I have no idea at the point of purchase if any of these parts are the parts I'm looking for, or if they will actually do the trick.
I've always thought I would look cool with an eyepatch. Or at least that people wouldn't bother me so much if I wore one occasionally. That would, of course, backfire, and I'd spend a hell of a lot of time answering questions about the fucking eyepatch. So I don't wear one. I think I should, however, have a dedicated blindfold or bandanna in the glove box for my future trips to the auto parts store. I've begun to develop a rapport with the local outfit, and they already know I'm completely clueless. It would be a nice touch if I went in and randomly picked something off the shelf, with no real idea what I had until I got home. No difference from the present experience, except for the additional excitement of the uncertainty.
Some people play the lottery. Good for them. There's a chance at a payout, albeit a temporary one, since something over 90 percent of the winners of such contests end up more broke than they were before they won. For me, buying auto and engine parts is kind of the same venture. If they work for a while, great. If they don't, there's no surprise, because I know only enough about fixing anything mechanical to get myself into a great bit of trouble. And I know that no matter what happens, I'll be back at the auto-parts store.
I got to work this morning at daybreak, and before rush-hour even had started, I'd broken something on the job. Early morning is a great time to curse in public. For those people in the neighborhood who had slept in a bit too long, I've already spared them the trouble to hit the confession booth for taking the Lord's name in vain.
On a side note, I guess a great deal of the time I spend yelling "Goddammit," I think I really mean it. At the time, I do, at least. Maybe that's why things break around here as quickly as I can fix them. On various episodes of irrational impatience, I've wished God to damn, in no particular order: The truck, tractor, lawn tractor, push mower, bathroom sink, toilet, shower, kitchen sink, vacuum cleaner, and various other pieces of equipment, vehicles, and mechanical devices. They have all been damned in some way, shape or form. My prayers are most certainly answered!
I'm not at all the most deeply religious of persons, but it seems to me that a great deal of the Old Testament is dedicated to God damning this, that, or the other, and much of the time there's not much rhyme or reason to it anyway. It doesn't seem that God's chosen people can do a hell of a lot to appease the OT deity anyway, and even when they do what they're supposed to, sometimes they're caught up in a whirlwind of irrational punishment or unreasonable demands...Job is my favorite of the OT books.
But anyway, the pressure-washer is down, (Everything is broken in the Spring--it doesn't matter if it's been used or not) and I have to burn $5 in gas to buy $1.61 in plumber's tape. I've got probably fifteen rolls of the stuff at home, but that doesn't do me any good here. I get it fixed, and the clouds are starting to stir...
I'd left home at about 6 in the morning. I did that mainly to return some concrete I'd been carrying in the back of the pickup, and I knew it was going to rain at some point during the day. The NOAA website said we'd probably be okay until about 1pm. That didn't look quite right to me from the radar spools, but I was out the door to see what I could do in the meantime...but here it is, not even 8, and I'm back at the hardware store spinning in circles.
The washer gets fixed easily enough, and I spent the rest of my morning scrambling to pick up the things I'd strewn about in advance of what was certainly an imminent storm. The sky gets green on the Plains during the spring and summer. Green skies are generally a bad sign...
So now it's hailing, but the truck won't start. I'd been arcing the relay switch in order to produce the charge necessary to engage the starter for some time, but for whatever reason, it wasn't working very well in the hail. With hail, one almost always has lightning. I'm not sure it's possible for conditions necessary for hail to exist without lightning. Standing in an inch of water smacking a battery with a hammer is probably a bad combination of above events...but after fifteen minutes of cursing and arcing, a charge was produced, and I was able to experience for the first time this hail from the comfort of the cab of the truck.
Patient people probably don't hydroplane very much. I hydroplane more than most. The common remedy to this problem is to slow the hell down, but that is completely contrary to my nature when I'm in a vehicle. The only reason I'm in that thing is to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible. There are no more joy rides in my world. I've already done enough of that, and since I'm probably predisposed to die in a vehicular accident, I want to get in and out of the thing as quickly as possible. Each time I shut down the vehicle, a bullet is dodged. I think we see the problem here...anyway, it was a rougher drive to the auto parts store than it probably needed to be.
I finally get there, and I ask the guy behind the desk about this electrical problem.
"Is the battery okay?" he asks.
"Yeah, it's fine."
"Do you think the alternator is holding a charge?"
"I think so. The lights don't dim or anything with the rev of the motor," I told him. "The thing will start occasionally when I smack the relay with a hammer to create an arc."
"That's the starter solenoid. And you shouldn't be hitting it with a hammer," he said. "You just need a screwdriver to create that arc."
"It doesn't say anything in the owner's manual about not hitting any of those parts with a hammer. And that wouldn't even be an issue if they worked."
So he shook his head and rang me up, and this particular part proved to be the right remedy to my situation. We just had a fundamental difference of opinion on arriving at the destination.
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