Catshit

I can safely say the cat situation has gone from bad to worse. What I thought was an isolated incident--a lump of catshit in my bed--has become a trend. Last night, my cat kept me up at midnight. I'm ready to go to sleep, when the unmistakable stink of cat wafted up to my face. It was only about three feet from my face when I realized it.

Now, I'm on the record admitting I'm a terrible pet owner, but is this shitting in my bed thing necessary? Puking all over every horizontal and vertical surface of the place isn't cutting it anymore, Nala? If I had a camera that was working, I'd be documenting this progression to make this series of posts at least somewhat more entertaining to all the cats out there...this shit is legendary now on the homefront...

One can't effectively discipline a cat. She can't speak my language, so I guess she's shitting all over my stuff to express some form of displeasure. I find it ridiculous that I'm being blackmailed by a fucking animal with a brain the size of a walnut...

I picked her up by the scruff of the neck and lofted her over to the bed. I put her head down close to it, all the while asking her, "Now, what do you mean by this? What are you trying to tell me?" And Nala, of course, just looked at me, unable to do anything because she was being held defenseless in this case.

"You see this shit, Nala? I say it all the time, but right now, I mean it. THIS SHIT AIN'T COOL."

I didn't even raise my voice with her. She already thinks her first name is "Goddammit", so I don't even go there anymore...This might be payment in arrears for lots of past yelling...I didn't know how good I had it back then when she simply puked on everything. That could be written off to something at least partially involuntary.

But this--THIS is a direct and personal attack. It's not a goddamned accident, because she's done it now more than once. There's something to it, and I'm not real happy. (Obviously, neither is she) I don't think shitting in her litter box would do any good, or I'd hop right in there. She doesn't have a consistent bed right now, or I'd go take a shit right where she sleeps. What the fuck is the difference? It's a huge house for one person and a cat, and for all I know, she's got some sort of shit stash built up somewhere that she just carries around to distribute when her dissatisfaction fancies, and she doesn't even have to bother with the physical need at the time of the whimsy.

I don't know what to do. I mean, she does her job. All her job entails is keeping vermin down, and she's great at that. What I didn't know prior to this week was that the other main part of her job I'd been taking for granted for several years. This catshit thing has me miffed.

I've already cleaned everything. All the places she lounges around and such--and this is the payment in kind? Is she telling me I need to get another type of laundry detergent? I've looked for "Rancid Ass Catshit" Purex, but it's never in stock at my grocery store.

Do I need to get a different type of cat litter? Where do they sell the "Perpetually Fresh but Never Used" variety? Do I need to go to the vet to line up the one she prefers most?

Maybe I just need a big-ass dog...

I'll be in the market for a camera. I don't feel words can do this particular situation justice. And when the lawyers are asking for documentation should a split between us eventuate, I'd like to have the proper documentation.

Fun With SMS, Part I

Someone asked me not too long ago: "What do you do for fun?"

There followed a long silence, and I finally answered something like this: "I don't know...Change light bulbs?"

And then there's this: (A roof was recently installed at my home. I believe that to be the only event that follows based loosely in fact.)

S: I'm taking a self-help seminar from my pharmacist and am so required to inform you that i am far tougher than you could ever comprehend, you panted pussy. 8/23/10 7:56pm

B: You have no idea the pussy I was pullin when I was at Arizona State 8/23/10 8:31pm

S: Did you ever have simultaneous and concurrent multiple heartattacks and orgasms with any of those bitches? I thought not, you braggart. 8/23/10 8:34pm

B: Done it all, THREE times in a tornado, EACH time at clinton lake with a 400 lb Channel cat in tow 8/23/10 8:44pm

S: Underwater in a shipwreck of the Russian aircraft carrier you sank in the Wakarusa that prevented the onset of world war three? With Hilary Clinton filming it? 8/23/10 8:47pm

B: Yup, Well if that's the way it's gotta be 8/23/10 8:49pm

S: no other way is even worth talking about. 8/23/10 8:50pm

B: Well I could think of a few. On a gunboat in. On the yellow river yellin 'I love that yellow pink'. You get it. Yellow....Pink. That was fun all 89 times we did it that november of 1958 in 'nam 8/23/10 8:59pm

S: You were there when i had to take a glider to the moon to help jump start the Apollo craft..the FBI gave me that sex parade in Amsterdam after my nobel prize. 8/23/10 10:22pm

B: Was the same bitch you took to 'ol Jeff Jackso,ks wedding. I bet he is still thankful of that one. He should be if he had half a brain like me. 8/23/10 10:55pm


S: Sorry couldnt get back to you til now. Had to swim to the Mariana trench to stop a tsunami. Cleaned up the BP oil spill on the way home while siring Joss Stone. 8/24/10 8:06am

B: Who is joss stone? 8/24/10 8:09am

S: British soul singer. I've been banging her and writing all her songs, in addition to playing all instruments on the tracks. I also shag her mama. And sing. 8/24/10 8:14am

B: I dumped her years ago and I could have had that roof done in45 minutes if you had just me known it needed to be done. Man...jeez 8/24/10 8:17am

S: There's only about 10 minutes of roofing up there, you lazyass. All that metal up there is an early detection device for comets obscured by the sun. 8/24/10 8:23am

B: Don't tell me about. Ask NASA what the though of my presentation. I imitated the movements of not only comets, but their bastard neice's: shooting stars. I did this through a gynastics routine in which I successfully completed the first one-armed iron cross 8/24/10 8:26am

S: I perfected the iron cross using only my cock in the sixties. Did it once while composing the White album. guitar credits for lennon was me playing by foot. 8/24/10 8:32am

B: That 12 foot diameter tymphany was played balls bouncing on it while I played the tuba on the other side of the stage with my middle leg 8/24/10 8:38am

S: Once i desegregated the south by just sitting at the tables with the blacks. Didnt have to say or do anything cuz I'm legendary. It's about respect. 8/24/10 8:46am

B: I remember that. You takin all the credit when I was the first to eat with em. Eating chittlins. I know how to suck a pig intestine right from it's innards 8/24/10 8:48am

S: You only learned that from the demonstrations i gave jesus and the romans in jerusalem before he quit his job and asked me to temp for him. 8/24/10 8:56am

Catsick

My cat woke me up at midnight tonight. I didn’t know why, but she was sure polite about it. She pawed me very lightly with no clawing, and just kind of let me know she was there for just enough time to let me wake up and acknowledge her existence.

Normally, I get a terrific combination of howls and jumping around on the bed around 4 o’clock. She thinks this is mealtime, but she is wrong, and is so deferred until around the time the sun comes up. Maybe she just wants to be sure I’m up and around. It doesn’t much matter, but that’s how it is.

But tonight, very gentile. I wasn’t here last night. I can’t imagine she enjoys my company, but maybe she does. I’ve been kind of down on Nala lately for her bulimic tendencies. Everywhere I look there is cat sick. I’ve been making an effort to find and eliminate the catsick, and it’s been invading every imaginable corner of the house. So it requires a full-house cleaning.

I’m a terrible pet owner. I’m kind of bad with animals of all shapes and sizes, particularly humans. I don’t know why it is, but the interactions just aren’t working right lately. Being a terrible pet and animal custodian is a poor way to frame out an existence.

The fleas, for example, are a good point of reference for this forum. It’s very unlikely that I can pin any sort of the blame for the flea situation on anyone but the pet owner. I’ve been informed by multiple parties that the catsick is likely an issue of my creation, as well. But so far, I’m just going to have to hunt down and destroy all the catsick, whether it is new catsick or not. I find myself in no position to be making value judgments about catsick. I’ve found them on unused bedspreads and such, and it’s kind of demoralizing to try and keep up with it in the summer heat. Maybe I go to the Laundromat…

So damned hot…got home tonight and it was 97 degrees inside. 107 outside. As I write this, we’re down to 88 degrees in the main of the house, and the laundry project has been resumed here to take advantage of this tremendous opportunity to run heat-generating appliances with the lowest marginal punishment. I’ve quit referencing the NOAA website and I’ll look back on it when this weather has cooled off a bit. Just can’t do it right now, but I suspect that 107 degree reading wasn’t even a record at the recording station in Topeka. Statistically, the days should have just started cooling, but the temperature outliers right now are damned extreme. We’ll have to see how the rest of this summer plays out, but the early returns have been uncomfortable.

People ask me all the time why I don’t turn on this air conditioner. It’s a window unit located about four feet in front of me, in a recessed window that ventilates into the sunroom. I’ve been sleeping out there, and on most nights when the sun goes down, it can be quite comfortable with a southerly breeze. We’ve had nothing but southerlies for a few weeks, so the air conditioner stays off. I don’t want to sacrifice that space for seasonal confinement. On a side note, it is also 88 degrees in the sunroom right now, but it actually feels nice. There’s a nice breeze, and the air is well circulated. Not so in the rest of the place. Water damage everywhere—the place is in terrific need of a new roof. I’m dealing with the worst third of that in the coming weeks…

So this morning, in my demonstrated scrambled senses, I’m making coffee at one in the morning. I’d slept enough, and I guess this was the start of the day. Very little has been done except to try and keep cool. And try and evacuate birds from the home.

On the second pot of coffee about an hour ago, I was dive-bombed by a starling. She was in the kitchen and mudroom, and was in constant flight. I got the kitchen door open wide, and after a minute or two, the bird was gone. It was entirely uneventful.

Then I remembered a couple of months ago when Nala had captured and destroyed a nestling in that same kitchen. I considered at the time that it was an isolated event caused by the door being open too long. I can now see the folly of that line of thinking, and I realize again that I have a very good cat, and a very poor roof.. She didn’t quite get this one, but she certainly let me know we had company this morning…

In any event, and as evidenced by the drivel above, the heat has melted my brain.