Catshit

I can safely say the cat situation has gone from bad to worse. What I thought was an isolated incident--a lump of catshit in my bed--has become a trend. Last night, my cat kept me up at midnight. I'm ready to go to sleep, when the unmistakable stink of cat wafted up to my face. It was only about three feet from my face when I realized it.

Now, I'm on the record admitting I'm a terrible pet owner, but is this shitting in my bed thing necessary? Puking all over every horizontal and vertical surface of the place isn't cutting it anymore, Nala? If I had a camera that was working, I'd be documenting this progression to make this series of posts at least somewhat more entertaining to all the cats out there...this shit is legendary now on the homefront...

One can't effectively discipline a cat. She can't speak my language, so I guess she's shitting all over my stuff to express some form of displeasure. I find it ridiculous that I'm being blackmailed by a fucking animal with a brain the size of a walnut...

I picked her up by the scruff of the neck and lofted her over to the bed. I put her head down close to it, all the while asking her, "Now, what do you mean by this? What are you trying to tell me?" And Nala, of course, just looked at me, unable to do anything because she was being held defenseless in this case.

"You see this shit, Nala? I say it all the time, but right now, I mean it. THIS SHIT AIN'T COOL."

I didn't even raise my voice with her. She already thinks her first name is "Goddammit", so I don't even go there anymore...This might be payment in arrears for lots of past yelling...I didn't know how good I had it back then when she simply puked on everything. That could be written off to something at least partially involuntary.

But this--THIS is a direct and personal attack. It's not a goddamned accident, because she's done it now more than once. There's something to it, and I'm not real happy. (Obviously, neither is she) I don't think shitting in her litter box would do any good, or I'd hop right in there. She doesn't have a consistent bed right now, or I'd go take a shit right where she sleeps. What the fuck is the difference? It's a huge house for one person and a cat, and for all I know, she's got some sort of shit stash built up somewhere that she just carries around to distribute when her dissatisfaction fancies, and she doesn't even have to bother with the physical need at the time of the whimsy.

I don't know what to do. I mean, she does her job. All her job entails is keeping vermin down, and she's great at that. What I didn't know prior to this week was that the other main part of her job I'd been taking for granted for several years. This catshit thing has me miffed.

I've already cleaned everything. All the places she lounges around and such--and this is the payment in kind? Is she telling me I need to get another type of laundry detergent? I've looked for "Rancid Ass Catshit" Purex, but it's never in stock at my grocery store.

Do I need to get a different type of cat litter? Where do they sell the "Perpetually Fresh but Never Used" variety? Do I need to go to the vet to line up the one she prefers most?

Maybe I just need a big-ass dog...

I'll be in the market for a camera. I don't feel words can do this particular situation justice. And when the lawyers are asking for documentation should a split between us eventuate, I'd like to have the proper documentation.