Lortab

I’m very impatient lately. Worse than normal. That’s bad. It’s kind of a whirlwind of things which require a great deal of patience, and they’re all hitting at once. It’s been set up that way for a while, but a lot of it is just attributable to procrastination. There are any number of things I’ve wanted to accomplish for quite some time, and in fits and spurts, they are accomplished. Chipping away, I’m told.

There is a bit of longing for things to get better quickly, and it just doesn’t happen that way. Improvement takes effort and time, and lately, I’ve just been biding time. There’s no way to fairly assess it except for in this evaluation. A lot of things should have been and could have been done in the recent past that would add to an overall satisfaction, and only a few of my goals have been met. I just feel like I’m in kind of a dangerous place right now—that’s all.

The oral surgery is one thing. It’s been allowed to dominate my life for a while now. I’ve known it was coming, and I’ve taken the steps I’ve felt necessary to attempt to combat it, and so far, so good. Except I haven’t been worth a damn, and I know it. It’s a hell of a hurdle to try and get over (or maybe through, in my case) There just wasn’t enough care taken for a very long time, and I’m paying the price for my previous negligence now. In the mouth and in the pocketbook.

Things could always be worse. I often think of the poor sonofabitch who actually has it the worst. And through poor decision-making, he or she can make the situation worse. It just takes bad decisions. Am I making poor decisions lately? It’s been on my mind. I feel I’ve had a weird personality shift lately, and I can’t explain it or even come close to figuring it out. Mostly, I’m not trying to. I’m just kind of aware of these differences, and I’m keeping a note of them. Things to look out for. I’m all over the place here, but that’s just how it is right now—and this is without drinking.

The last set of oral surgeries, coupled with some other things that were going on in my life precipitated my last brutal bender. I don’t want that series of events repeated. So far, no drinks. I sure think about it every day, but usually that feeling drifts off into the night. But lately, all I’ve had is night. I’m sleeping all damned day, I’m barely eating anything except the little cans of Chef Boyardee, and I’ve lost 20 pounds so far. Just can’t eat very well without a lot of discomfort. This round of surgery, I’ve been taking the pain medication for the ability to eat on the side which was operated on over a month ago. The surgery from last week seems to be doing much better than that first botched operation. And it must have been botched.

I know the upper left quadrant wasn’t in good shape going in. It’s one of the places my jaw was broken in 1991, and the molars most closely related to that break have been removed, in addition to the wisdom teeth throughout the mouth in the late 90s, or maybe 2000 or so. I’d have to look that one up. But damn, the damage that surgery did to that area in the short run was something else. I just don’t ever want to go through anything similar to that again. It was about a three and a half hour operation, and it never did get numbed up right in the first place…or the situation was in such dire straights that the numbing couldn’t do much for it. I don’t know exactly what the case was up there, but it sure sucked, and it’s still more sensitive than the recently corrected area.

Anyway, I’ve just got to put a renewed effort into this patience thing right now. I know a lot of other people are being patient with me right now, though I feel I don’t really exist at the moment. I think the fog will clear tomorrow, but this is one hell of a shitty way to be at the moment. I just want to be able to think right again soon…