Genesis 24-31

Genesis 24: Abraham calls in his senior servant, and directs the man to find Isaac a son from among his brethren, insisting that Canaanites aren’t suitable for Issac. The servant goes to Mesopotamia, specifically Nahor, and he waits by a fountain there, because even pretty girls need water. Sure enough, Rebekah arrives, and the servant prays to Jehovah for a sign that she will be “the one.” She does as the prayer suggests, offering drink and lodging. As a bonus, she’s a fine looking virgin. Rebekah tells her family about this representative of Abraham down by the well. They are relations of sorts. Laban, Rebekah’s brother checks out the party sent by Abraham, and Laban and Bethuel (presumably Rebekah’s and Laban’s father) accept this messenger as a thing that came from Jehovah, and that no judgment good or bad could come of this happening. The servant leaves Bethuel’s group with kind of a standing offer of marriage to Isaac for Rebekah. After at least ten days to think about it at the request of Rebekah’s mother and brother, she is allowed to go seek after Isaac. She does this in due time, and hooks up with Isaac. Isaac goes straight for his mother Sarah’s tent and gets busy with Rebekah. This comforts Isaac.

Genesis 25: Abraham, despite his old age, takes another wife, Keturah. Lots of descendants down that tree. Abraham gives all he has to Isaac, when he died at 175 years. Isaac and Ishmael buried Abraham in the cave of Machpelah with Sarah there. The twelve princes and generations of Ishmael are listed. It’s noted here that Bethuel, and therefore, Rebekah, were Syrian. Anyhow, Rebekah is pregged with twins, hairy Esau, and the secondborn, Jacob. Isaac was sixty at the time of their birth. Isaac favored Esau, the hunter, because Isaac liked meat. Rebekah favored Jacob. At some point, the hunting wasn’t going well for Esau, but Jacob happened to be boiling pottage when Esau came stumbling in from the field. Esau, starving, agrees to sell his birthright to Jacob in exchange for something to eat. So Esau despised his birthright.

Genesis 26: Poor Abimelech. It’s suggested that this is a different Abimelech than the one taunted with a sister/wife dupe job in the past by Abram, but this one is conducted by Isaac with Rebekah. Isaac initially approaches Abimelech during time of famine, and Abimelech King of the Philistines of Gerar graciously agrees. Isaac immediately begins telling people to check out his “sister” Rebekah. Fool me twice, Abimelech takes in Rebekah, only to notice looking out a window one day Rebekah “sporting” with Isaac. Isaac claims he was scared that people, namely Abimelech, would find out Rebekah was his wife. Despite this generational deception, Isaac is allowed to stay, and the locals are told by Abimelech to keep hands off, especially hands off Rebekah, Laban’s sister. The Philistines had filled the wells of Issac’s father Abraham, so Isaac got his servants digging new wells. He named these wells “Enmity” and “Contention” (Sitnah & Esek). Isaac then goes to Beersheba, where Jehovah appears in a visional dream, telling Isaac to fear not, and that blessings and multiplication would follow. Consequently, Isaac built and altar and dug a well. Abimelech went to Isaac to make an offering of peace. They had a covenant feast, it looks like, and Isaac sent Abimelech on his way. Concurrently, Esau was 40 years old when he took Judith the Hittite as a bride. This brought a bitterness of spirit to Isaac and Rebekah.

Genesis 27: Now, remember: Isaac likes meat (Gen. 25) He’s old, he’s blind, and he calls for Esau the eldest (by minutes) to bring back some savory food. Rebekah heard this, and told Jacob (her favorite of the pair) to fetch goats so that they could trick blind Isaac into blessing Jacob when he thought that Esau brought the meat. The ruse works because Isaac shares Esau’s hairy hands, and Isaac blesses Jacob instead of Esau, for whom the blessing was intended. Right after Jacob’s departure, Esau shows up late for dinner with some savory food. Isaac now realizes the trick, but informs Esau it is too late to get any blessing. He gets kind of a backhanded curse instead, considering Jacob is Esau’s overlord via the blessing. Esau wasn’t fond of Isaac’s ruling, and hated Jacob. Esau resolves to kill Jacob upon Isaac’s pending death. Rebekah urges Jacob to visit her brother Laban for safety’s sake. Rebekah tells her favorite son to tarry there a few days, until the fury of Isaac subsides. Rebekah shares with Isaac her personal discomfort that Jacob might take the daughters of Heth for a wife…maybe to explain Jacob’s subsequent disappearance?

Genesis 28: So…Rebekah employs the timeless tactic of convincing Isaac the whole Jacob relocation idea was his own. Isaac again blesses Jacob, and sends him off to Laban’s place in Paddanaram (An Aramian Kingdom of Mesopotamia) Isaac forbids Jacob to take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Esau’s response to this was to bang every Canaanite he can find, so he takes on another wife in addition to those he already had (suggesting multiple). Jacob departs, and on his journey, he sleeps at Bethel, where Jehovah appears in a dream. Jehovah guarantees to be with Jacob, and to multiply his seed in all direction. Jacob awakens, places a rock for an altar, names the place Bethel (House of God--Jacob's vision had an escalator/ladder delivering God and angels from heaven to earth and back), and makes a vow.

Genesis 29: Jacob continues East. He encounters a well and three flocks of sheep. After some inquiries, the locals said that they not only knew Laban, but that his daughter Rachel came with the sheep. This looks like a love at first sight kind of thing, because it sounds like Jacob is all over the chick right there at the well where they first meet. He tells Rachel his story, and Laban brought Jacob into his house. Jacob stayed there a month, and proposes to take Rachel for a wife in exchange of seven years of servitude. Laban’s firstborn daughter was Leah, who has “nice eyes”. Jacob loved Rachel, who was “well favored”. After seven years, Jacob really wanted to nail Rachel, and he reminded Laban about that little deal they had drawn up back when. So Laban has a big feast, and must have gotten Jacob drunk, because he ended up fucking Leah that night when she was brought by Laban after the celebration. Laban’s defense of the act was that Leah was the firstborn, and it wouldn’t be fair to offer up the second born before getting the first knocked up. It looks like Laban makes Jacob wait another week before fucking Rachel, and that Jacob had to agree to another seven years of servitude to receive the sex product he was promised in the first place. In any event, Leah conceived Ruben (See, a son) Leah knew she was hated by Jacob, but he didn’t stop fucking her, because Simeon was next conceived. Thinking third time would be a charm, she conceived and bore Levi. And that didn’t gain her the favor of Jacob’s love either, so she tried again, this time yielding Judah, their fourth.

Genesis 30: Rachel remains barren, and envies Leah. Jacob blames Rachel for her infertility. Rachel demands Jacob fuck her handmaid Bilhah so Rachael can raise a child. Dan results. Bilhah produces a second son, Naphtali. Leah was jealous of all this attention given Rachel, so she sends her handmade Zilpah to fuck Jacob. Gad was the good fortune of this. Zilpah gets the well dipped again, producing Asher. Reuben is old enough to gather mandrakes, and brings some to Leah. Rachel wants them, and agrees that Leah can sleep with Jacob that night if but for some mandrakes. Leah agrees, believing that Jacob will love her if he just fucks a little more. So they fuck, and Issachar is the product. Zebulun comes at the next mandrake harvest, perhaps. Later, a daughter, Dinah is born. God feels sorry for mandrake-loving Rachel at this point, and opens her womb, producing Joseph. Jacob has had about enough of his in-law at this point, and approaches Laban about providing for this mess he’s got on his hands. Jacob and Laban strike a deal whereby Jacob can have any of Laban’s flock that black sheep, and the spotted and speckled of all sheep and other animals could be Jacob’s. Jacob sets out to selectively herd the stock, producing the more favorable results for his own herd through some means of selective breeding involving rods of poplar and reeds of the almond and plane-tree. I’m unclear on exactly the trick he pulled here, but I guess the animals were turned on by it, as Jacob’s herd grew in strength proportionate to Laban’s herd.

Genesis 31: Laban’s sons become jealous of Jacob’s success, and they bitch and moan to Laban about it. Jacob understands the game has changed, and becomes rightfully upset. He’d been working 20 years for the guy, and only had these daughters of Laban nagging on him all the time to show for his efforts. Jacob’s camp decides to get away secretly. What Jacob doesn’t know is that Rachel had stolen some trinkets from Laban, confirming her long-standing ability to be the biggest bitch in Jacob’s life. So, Laban is all bent out of shape, and finally reaches some sort of conclusion after being unable to find his knick-knacks that he could finally just let this outfit go. So they make a heap of rocks at Galeed apparently satisfactory enough to symbolize a covenant between the two men, and the two split apart, Laban agreeing to split the land at the heap, and to not pursue Jacob again.