Oh No. Leviticus Again...
Yes, Leviticus again. So many reasons to take a five-year break to tackle Mosaic Law, all of them good ones. The first seven attempts weren't enough. Had to come back for a couple, three more whippings. I'm going to try to look at the bright side this go around. Busted out an old family bible. Someone might just pirate the shit out of some Mosaic summation. 'Tis for the best, mateys! A long journey beckons, webe listen to the call of dead men. Santa Biblia also beckons me back, mayhaps?
Leviticus 1:
Jehovah becalls he Moses, bespake the tale of the blemish-free calves o'slaughter. Burn it at the altar, ye oblations me mateys, the blood be spattered 'bout by Aaron's mateys. Flay it, burn it more! Let they bleeds a bit o' severed head o'beast. Clean the guts avast the fire. If yebrings a lamb, burn it north o'altar, Aaron's mateys 'twil hack to shreds, but bekeeps it clean the guts. Be they birds to burn, take east o'altar, don't yebe eats the beasties, spray the blood about in its special place, and make the savor for Jehovah. 'Tis an order!
Leviticus 2:
More orders from Cap'n Jehovah to Moses, be he a land pirate o' tent.: Arrrgh! When ye makes me meals, don't scrimp. Keep me favorite condoments at bay! Basically, ye be gives me the best of your all, including ye oils and breads. Burn the best of ye wood for me fires, too. Ye be use the leavened bread on someone else's sweet savor, not mine! Arrgh! If ye be gives me the first-fruits, make sure ye use the covenant salt for more savor. Arrgh!
Leviticus 3:
Continued orders from Cap'n Jehovah: Arrgh! Ye be brings me peace-offerings, make 'em top notch, sailors! No booger baskets on me ship! Flay it, Aaron's mateys know what to do. Make the beasty bleed. Hack and flay at the door of the temple. Me sweet savor: 'Tis an order! Ye only brings me lamb? 'Twil please me none less ye be flayed the beastie into tiny parts, only a few ye be burn. The rest, Aaron's mateys be take care the stink, I'll have no kidney nor backbone nor such in me sweet savor! Arrrgh! A goat? Ye brings me a goat, I'll have less quarter with the goat than the lamb, but ye boys know to burn what you can. Frankly, methinks ye be makes mistake to eat the goat. 'Tis a recommendation. Arrrgh!
Leviticus 4:
Cap'n Jehovah orders Israel via Moses: When ye be sinners, ye can always kill a bull. This mayhaps make your account with me. But ye have to fuck around with the slayed beastie just right, or ye be no-account sinners in me log! Arrrgh! Ye have a sinner among yer mateys, ye best be singled out. Smack the gossip 'bout, methinks. Make it a mighty fine rum romp, me party. Sin all ye wants, but keep this part for me, matey: Mewants one of Aaron's mateys to do me special dance with the bullblood. 'Tis important! Ye be told this four times for four different accounts of sins, but me wants me bullblood, and methinks if the sin be witless or a political type, then the lamb or goat besuit me timberstiff. Just make sure Aaron's mateys ass off with the innards much more with the lamb or the goat when me sweet savor is bestaked! Arrrgh!Leviticus 5:
Cap'n Jehovah discusses hygiene: Arrgh! Much is unclean! Ye be sins assing around with unclean beasts. Don't touch. Don't touch who touches it. Don't even look at it. Mekeeps a good crew, not an evil one. We be good pirates! When ye be sin a bit, admit it, sailor! As long as ye has goats for Aaron's boys, methinks playing around in carcasses is okay. Me just needs ye goat when ye sin this way. But there be much bureaucracy when ye be sin, me orders for peace offerings and sin offerings are much the same, but me head needsbe this way. 'Tis different! Arrgh. Aaron's mateys know what to do with the two young turtle doves and pigeons. Burn them! Burn only the parts I want burned. Tell Aaron's mateys what I like. Now, ye be have property disputes, loot and plunder the trespasser, take the shekels, he be put ye shekel in the temple fund. 'Tis an order!
Leviticus 6:
Cap'n Jehovah continues: Ye befinds a crook among ye pirates, charge 20% interest. And a ram for me. Methinks weneeds a talk about Aaron's mateys. They needsbe have a flame each night, all night, for me, at the altar. With a burnt offering, mewants the mateys wearing clean garments before spreading me ashes from me fire all about. 'Tis important! The meal offering, memakes mention again of me frankensense and me oil and be fine flour. No cheap stuff! Arrgh! Methinks ye know about the leavened bread? Mewants me offerings in specific portions. Damn specific. Take a tenth of an ephah of fine flour perpetually, half in the morning and half at night. Don't eat it. 'Tis mine! Burn it! Burn it, change ye clothes and spread me ashes 'bout! These places where ye needsbe kill me beasties be holy to me, and mewants the altar and me altar deck swabbed. Keep me altar clean, 'tis important!
Leviticus 7:
More Cap'n's orders: We betalks more o' the trespass-offering, methinks. 'Tis most holy! Arrrgh! Burn the fat! Spare the kidney--methinks it unclean! Eat ye mateys, Aaron's boys at least, be they manly. Ye be use me condiments fur yer special fare! Me makes mention of unleavened bread. Ye knows what methinks of the leaven? Me thought so, but methinks we speak again o' the bread. Spray ye the blood o' heave-offering. Me feels like 'tis a fair time to flail blood at me altar. Has memade mention o' me freewill-offering? Ye has no choice in this matter! Arrrgh! Methinks Aaron's boys beneeds reminder o' handling unclean beasties: Take no quarter! Arrrgh! Remind me laddies o' Israeli dock no eaties from me list!: No fat of ox or sheep or goat. No dead beasties befound. No blood. Aaron's boys beneeds a part of me heaves and peaces. 'Tis important! So ye knows no o' th' burnt an' th' meal an' th' sin an' th' tresspass off'rins, an' ye know o' the consecration and sacrifice o' the peace, and ye be much clear on me matter here, mateys! Arrgh!
Leviticus 8:
The Cap'n continues on Sinai: Methinks something missing from me plan...aha! Gather ye Aaron and he boys, get ye plenty of oil, a bull, a couple rams, and the unleavened bread. Get ye garments, get ye to the hall and do me bidding. 'Tis an order! Arrrgh!
Moses descends and goes to the entrance of the tent. His people are gathered there, and he attempted to explain: "Me laddies, hear me! 'Twas not me concoction. Cap'n Jehovah calls he play 'Th' Consecration.' We be do it fair justice, 'tis a fine show o' th' Cap'n! Can't be helped, me mateys, perform!"
What follows is a bizarre amalgamation of the seven previous chapters, followed by a forced isolation of seven days in the tent alone, presumably to think long and hard about all that had just occurred.
Leviticus 9:
The eighth day arrives, and there is a lecture from Moses to Aaron and the other sons of Israel about the next several rounds of sacrifice. "Cap'n Jehovah wants he encore! We mayhaps mix it up a bit. Cap'n's orders! We be do the sin, then the burnt, then the peace and meal, and we beputs on the glory o' show. The Cap'n wants to see it! He be here if we be do the show just right! 'Tis true!"
So the people of Israel dressed for the occasion, and nailed the performance. Cap'n Jehovah consumed the altar in apparent approval, and Israel dropped their heads to the ground in awe.
Leviticus 10:
Cap'n Jehovah's reviews were mixed, however. Turns out Nadab and Abihu burnt something the Cap'n didn't like, and he made it known via Moses. "Well me boys ye fucked up. On me team, we win as Israel and ye lose as Israel, so me be single out Nadab and Abihu, but methinks ye mateys out best pick up the slack, mayhaps repeat me best parts the show, and Aaron's boys maychoose get something right for once." And an elaborate amount of offering was performed on behalf of Nadab and Abihu, much blood was scattered about, and livestock elaborately mutilated, but this time in the proper order and time. This would not be the last time one party would pay for the sins of another in these volumes.
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