Status Update

Why is it so damned difficult to find out how many brain cells die every time I see all the stars?

It’s a simple inquiry, so I think.  Now I’m consumed with the scores of other unrelated concerns about brain maintenance and function.

I’m killing off plenty with every sneeze.  My sneezes are much worse than the median, and I fear I’m taking a lead on the death spiral there.

The number of tumors floating around where the brain used to be appears to be incalculable.  They’re just up there hiding, occupying burnt synapses and possibly dark matter spaces.  This is terminal, to be sure, and it’s just a matter of time.

Might have a stroke.  Hell, I’ve already been duped into thinking this once before, long before the true heyday of internet.  I would have known that my stroke fears were quite definitely the result of concussion or hemorrhage.

One thing I know with utter certainty:  I kill off a hell of a lot of brain cells each time I open my internet browser.

Jonathan Broxton: Words of Wisdom on Style, Culture and Cuisine

The following interview never took place, of course. But we like to think it could happen at any given moment… 


Jonathan Broxton is a morbidly obese pitcher for the Kansas City Royals. Previously, he was morbidly obese while pitching for the Los Angeles Dodgers, and prior to that, we assume he was at the very least tragically obese while eating his way through high school. He has been christened the closer for the Royals this year because once dependable Joakim Soria’s arm fell off. Assuming that arm was not eaten by Broxton, I look forward to the day that hundreds of child-laborer seamstresses in some third world country no longer have to dedicate a third of their country’s GDP to the construction of Mr. Broxton’s pants.

IM: You look good, Jonathan. Who does your hair?

We forgot to ask Mr. Broxton a few questions about the fantastic facial hair. One can sense the immense satisfaction on Dayton Moore's visage here as he and Broxy heft up a new size 78 shirt celebrating an economic boon for midwestern lard distributors.

JB: Glad you asked. Nothing but Supercuts. They let me eat during my appointments. My favorite KFC is just across the street.

IM: Can you explain to the readers (both of them) what happened earlier this year…before the twelve game losing streak.

JB: (Scratches forehead with a chicken leg from the family bucket of KFC in his lap) We didn’t lose every game?

IM: No, Jonathan. You were on the mound…the Royals had the lead…and you just started walking and hitting consecutive batters in extra innings. You remember that game, don’t you?

JB: Yeah. I didn’t hear the ball hit the bat very much. I’m fond of the smell ball and bat make when they make big collision. It’s like a deliciously marinated livestock trailer wreck, and it reminds me of deep-fried butter coated mayonnaise.

IM: That doesn’t make much sense.

JB: Think of it like this: Without trees, we can’t have bats. Trees make air. I have to have air to eat. Bats remind me of dinner. The ball is covered in cow, and I eat plenty of cow. Selig won’t make a ball with chicken feathers yet, but it’s not that I haven’t asked. He won’t let me eat the balls either, at least while I’m pitching. But yeah…when the ball hits the bat, I get hungry. I let myself down that night because the ball and the uniform don’t remind me of eating as much when they make a collision. It’s only like leftovers covered in mustard and sodapop, or something. But it doesn’t make me as hungry, and I get sad.

Q: What do you get when you insert two major league pitchers into Jonathan Broxton's pants? A: Exactly two more major league pitchers than when you insert Jonathan Broxton into his pants. 

IM: So, why didn’t you just throw strikes? The batters appear more than willing to whip up some mayonnaise for you.

JB: Mijares and I were going to eat a few pigs with Yuni after the game. We didn’t know it was going to go to extra innings, and we usually have some sort of competition…you know, to see who can eat the most pigs.

IM: That’s disgusting.

JB: But we didn’t eat all damn game, because we want an empty stomach for something like that. We only really have the opportunity to set things like this up when we’re at home. On the road, it’s just a lot more difficult to line up the livestock. But anyway, we knew there was a lot of swine just not getting eaten by me, and that made me sad.

IM: I’m touched. Go on.

JB: So, I haven’t eaten in almost three hours, and I’m feeling dizzy. And I’m thinking about how many pigs Mijares is going to be able to eat, because he’s out there doing his mouth stretching exercises in the bullpen. I can see him, you know. He puts a couple of Kendall’s old cups in his mouth and jams a mitt or two in there to get loose. That guy can really get going if he’s good and ready. But I had to pitch. It was hard to focus, you know?

Okay, kids: Sing along like Johnny Cash! 'How big's that jersey, mama? Size 72 and rising.' Jose isn't lifelong fatfuck, but he appears to have picked up quite a few tips from the Dayton Moore Obesity Club sometimes known as the Royals.






IM: I don’t know. Is this something you would be doing if Mijares was on the mound?

JB: (giggles) Naw, I’d probably be sneaking a few pizzas or hot dogs, or whatever I could get my mouth around when no one is looking. I just didn’t want to let Jose down, because he takes the pig kills so seriously. It’s an ethnic thing, I think.

IM: But you’re about the luckiest son of a bitch in the history of the game, as far as I can tell. For starters, you’re a professional ballplayer making four million dollars to suck at your job and make no attempt whatsoever at physical fitness. Why didn’t you take your chances that the batters could make mayonnaise, and maybe the ball wouldn’t be hit to Yuni? The game would have been over quicker, and more pig could have been devoured?

JB: (wipes a tear from his eye with a KFC Handi-wipe) I was hungry. I was about to goddamn faint out there. Do you know what it’s like to go three hours without eating a pig?

IM : Yes, I think I do.

JB: (now bawling uncontrollably. Handi-wipes everywhere.) Okay, then. Quit emasculating me.

IM: I’m damn sorry, you famously fat bastard. Do you have any explanation for the couple of readers we have for the soul-suck that your blown saves seem to inflict on your ballclub? The Royals have only lost three in a row following your latest meltdown. How many games do you think it’s going to take the club to recover from their current round of suck?

JB: (licking a wishbone clean, then popping it in his mouth, crushing to pieces and swallowing) If this is going to be that kind of a party…(JB drops his pants, and eyes the mashed potatoes longingly.)

Editor's note:  A special shout-out to google for ruining blogger.  Thanks for fixing something that wasn't broken, assholes.  Technology "improvements" almost never make things better.  Nearly every new implementation by IT specialists is done primarily for their own job security by weaving added and unnecessary complexity to virtually every application.  But yeah, google:  Great work, champ.  

Matthew 21-28

Matthew 21: Okay, someone correct me here, because it looks like JC directs two disciples at Bethpage to steal an ass and a colt, so that it fulfills prophecy (Is. 62:11) that JC completes by adding a couple verses about the prophecy in need of a colt and an ass. In any event, two disciples become horse thieves here. JC mounts the horse, the multitude (it reads kind of like an Occupy camp here) litter the countryside with clothing and perform uncontracted tree work. JC is announced to the multitudes. JC enters the temple, overthrowing the merchants, and restoring the house to one of prayer, all the while healing the infirmed. On to Bethany for lodging at night. En route on return to Jerusalem, JC finds a fruitless fig and kills the tree, in demonstration of the power of prayer. Two sons working in vineyard parable, (commit/don’t follow up v. don’t commit/do) The wicked husbandmen killing off bondslaves and the heir is a long and kind of difficult approach to a demonstration of what the Pharisees are primed to do.

On the bright side, crucifixion was quite common during Roman rule, and it was only partly personal.

Matthew 22: The marriage feast is a parable whereby the invitees ignore the king’s invitation to a dinner, take captive the king’s captives, kill the captives, get themselves killed, and the king’s new captives recruit partygoers, one of whom isn’t wearing proper attire. Teeth gnashed. JC lets the Pharisees know how he feels about their Caesar coins. The Sadducees, a rival Jew gang of the aristocracy and priesthood, questioned JC about the relative importance of dead wives. JC notes there are no rivalries among heavenly angels as a response. (the scripture cited here by the Sadducees that JC thinks they do not understand involves the punishment of a brother that refuses to impregnate his dead brother’s wife. The verdicts were: spitting in the face; taking away his shoes; public ridicule. Dt. 25.5) The Pharisees counter-attack JC with a question from a lawyer regarding the primary commandment. JC replies to love God, and secondarily, to treat neighbors well. JC then asks the Pharisees what they think of Christ, and of His lineage. The Pharisees answer that Christ is the son of David, and JC cites Ps. 110.1 (reference to Jehovah in OT, not here.) where David refers to Jehovah as Lord, thereby making it impossible for David to be Jehovah’s son. Or not.

Matthew 23: Much woe on the Pharisees, hypocrites! But let’s talk hell for a moment. The Greek from which this American version was translated is talking about Gehenna, and I feel some explanation is at hand here. The Pharisees, while being surely condemned by JC, the place JC cites is likely a valley just outside the Jerusalem city walls. The exact location is a little unclear, but it is suggested this might be an east-west valley shortly outside the city. So, Christians can sling around hell arbitrarily, but there are quite often very real distinctions regarding place and context that must occasionally be considered. I thought this was one of those times, but in any event, JC is not fond of the way the Pharisees conduct their business, and this chapter outlines his specific grievances quite thoroughly. Kinda talks some shit on Jerusalem as well.

Matthew 24: The end is near. Gnashing of teeth. Long, painful chapter. Some will be chosen, some won’t; people shouldn’t listen to prophets because all are false prophets, and those chosen will be gone anyway once shit goes down.

Matthew 25: Parables: Ten virgins go to meet the bridegroom, but five (as is true in most cases) are smarter than the other five, and take oil with them for their lamps/torches. When torches are needed, the five that are smarter, I presume, share a husband. Next, JC delivers an economic lesson on distribution and investment, and casts a weird eye on the contribution of savings to the micro trends at play here. Investment is strongly encouraged. It’s a pretty good lesson on the multiplier effect, depending on the translated edition. I’m probably missing the point on some level, (as usual) but it almost looks like these are the oldest economic writings I’ve read. I know other civilizations had some advanced economic development and writings… I’m not an economics historian, sadly, and I think this was intended to serve as a parable. We jumped from one of the worst reads in the entire volume thus far to one of the more interesting ones, and it almost feels like there is a separate author narrating the action at the jump from 24 to 25. Maybe it was just the result of the first decent night’s sleep in a week.

Matthew 26: JC then informs the disciples he’s in trouble two days after the Passover. Caiaphas, the high priest was currently conspiring to put a hit on JC. If JC didn’t have woman problems before this point, they become evident when an unidentified woman slathers JC with an expensive ointment. This occurred in Bethany, at Simon the leper’s house. Poor Simon. Shit. The disciples question the waste, and perhaps the taste of this endeavor, but JC replies that they shouldn’t be bothering the woman, who is doing good things in preparation of JC’s death. This prompts Judas Iscariot to “sell high” at 30 pieces (not sheckels) of silver. JC announces to the disciples to eat of his body, and to drink of his cup the blood of the new testament/covenant. (these are the choices here! I don’t see where covenant came down in usage over the years from new, if that was the linguistic evolution. Stylistic preference, I guess, or maybe an error in proofreading. The editors blather on and on apologizing for mistakes in the 1885 revision onward.) After dining, where JC outs JI as a traitor, and after a hymn, back to the mount of Olives. JC tells Peter of Peter’s coming denial of JC. Peter denies he will deny. JC gets sad with the original God party, Peter, James, and John. (Kind of feels like a Beatles recording in 1970.) At Gethsemane, the God party are put on watch for a JC prayer session, but they fall asleep at the guard. (It’s unclear how much sleep these guys are getting, but it looks like a pretty active time.) Three times, JC goes off to pray, and three times he returns to the God party at rest. But JI doesn’t care, because he got the silver, and he intercepts the God party’s camp. It looks like it’s going to be a fight, but JC advises against the fight, allowing prophecy’s fulfillment. Apostles scatter. At what reads to be “the trial before the Sanhedrin” in the marginal notes, Jesus is taken before a local assembly of 23 judges at the house of Caiaphas. JC kind of admits to being at the right hand of God evermore, resulting in a judge renting himself of garments, and JC to be spit on, slapped around, and mocked publically. Peter, in attendance for the hearing, denies he knows JC to a maid, to another maid, and to a passer-by, at which point the cock crows thrice, fulfilling prophecy.

Matthew 27: JC is delivered to Governor Pilate. Judas repents, returning the silver to the sanctuary of the chief priests and elders, and then hangs himself. The chief priests don’t know what to do with the money, because now they curiously consider it blood money, even though it was initially blood money. It looks like the money was used in a donation to a potter’s field, and it is very unclear the authority by which this action takes place. Pilate does what he can, recognizing JC as a righteous man. Pilate offers up the bloodthirsty crowd a choice of freedom between JC and another popular prisoner, Barabbas. The crowd elects to free Barabbas. It appears JC has made some enemies among the general population at this point. Pilate literally and symbolically washes his hands of the situation on delivery of Barabbas to freedom and JC to condemnation. The soldiers of Pilate then make a big deal of JC’s condemnation and mocking at the Praetorium/palace, and get the show on the road with Simon of Cyrene helping bear the burden of the cross. At Golgotha, JC and a pair of robbers are crucified together, and JC is relentlessly mocked and taunted by the other two fuckers getting simultaneously killed! At JC’s end, he cries “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” (My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?) The earth quakes, apparently fracturing the temple, upon the lifting of JC’s spirit. Joseph asks for, and receives the body of JC, wraps it in a cloth, and entombs it, sealed in stone. Many women were there ministering unto JC, including Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James and Joses, and the mother of the sons of Zebedee. Pilate knows trouble is yet brewing, and he takes the sound advice to place a guard at Jesus’ tomb, for there were also a great many who were allies of JC…

Matthew 28: At dawn at the first day of the week after Sabbath, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to see the sepulchre. Another earthquake, resulting in an angel sitting on the now moved stone, who tells the women not to fear, that JC has risen, go to Galilee to see him…so the disciples do this, and worship JC. Meanwhile, the guards of the sepulchre inform the court what had happened. The guards are paid to tell everyone that they fell asleep on the job, and that the disciples had stolen away the body. The eleven remaining disciples, though some are doubters at this time, are commanded to spread the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit all over the place.

Matthew 14-20

Matthew 14: Meanwhile, King Herod, overseer of John the Baptist’s captivity, has a bad dinner party involving his brother Philip, and more importantly, Philip’s wife Herodias. Herodias turns on Herod, who had imprisoned JTB for suggesting Herod’s lusting after his brother’s wife was unlawful. Herodias (I’ve heard something like this one before) suggests that her mother would like to see the head of JTB on a platter. She had been promised anything she wanted by Herod during a sexy dance, so JTB is beheaded, the disciples bury him, inform Jesus, who responds by feeding thousands with a couple of fish and walking on water during a tempest.

Matthew 15: JC defends not washing hands when eating. Healing and blessing and parablising, He is building quite a following. After eating with his unwashed hands, JC advises the Pharisees and scribes to watch their mouths. A Canaanitish woman’s daughter is cured, and multitudes gather. JC doesn’t want to send the crowd home hungry, so after three days he feeds 4000(women and children uncounted) with seven loaves and a few small fish.

Matthew 16: Pharisees and Sadducees demand a sign, but JC won’t deliver because they wouldn’t know it if they saw it. JC tells the 12 to stay away from their kitchens’ leaven, and he wasn’t talking about yeast. At Caesarea Philippi, Simon Peter identifies JC as true prophet. Peter named rock of JC’s church by JC. JC tells the twelve to get ready for his death in Jerusalem and subsequent three-day revival.

There remains much doubt whether or not popcorn necklaces were a topic of discussion on the mountain of Galilee.

Matthew 17: Six days later, JC takes Peter, James (also called Jacob), John (James’ brother) up a high mountain, for a party with Elijah and Moses. JC turns white as the light up there, and Peter offers to make three tabernacles right then and there, but Jehovah intervenes, stating pride in his Son. The three disciples prostate, but when JC touches them, they are left alone. JC insists the three tell no one about the God party on the mountain until after the rising (second notice of rising). JC informs the three that JTB was Elijah, fulfilling prophecy. The party happens upon an epileptic boy’s dad, and JC suffers the crowd to heal the man’s son. (The disciples had tried to heal the kid, but failed) JC informs the disciples their faith wasn’t up to snuff, as the epileptic displayed through an easy on-site healing by JC. From Galilee they came to Capernaum, where I think JC tells a tollkeeper to get the toll from the fish. It’s kind of a rambling end to what by all appearances should be a quite important little passage of literature.

Matthew 18: Teachings of JC: The simple are in good shape in heaven. When stumbling blocks arrive, remove the physical manifestations that transferred sin into your body. When people are sinning, address it individually, then as a small group, then tell it to the congregation. Forgive sinners against their sins 4900 times. Forgive debts as you would have your debtors forgive you.

Matthew 19: JC and posse depart Galilee to Judea, where crowds gathered for healings. The Pharisees ask JC, an unmarried man by these accounts, questions about the legitimacy of divorce, and questioned Moses’ need to put away his wife. (Dt. 24-1-4) JC dodges the question by claiming Moses suffered to harden their hearts, and steered the train off the tracks with a longwinded and confusing treatise about eunuchs. JC warns again that riches won’t buy anyone’s way into heaven.

Matthew 20: Moral of the vineyard laborers parable: Put off until the eleventh hour what you could have started at dawn. Pays the same. Son of man again foretold of deliverance to Gentiles for mocking, scourging, and crucifixion. The mother of the sons of Zebedee (James/Jacob & John) requests JC should place those two at his right and left hand, but this is poorly received by JC. No one is first in line in JC’s world. The two blind men at Jerico just want to see, JC satisfies the multitude there by granting sight.

Exodus 31-40

The word count in the KJV of exodus is 32,685, according to this list. My count for Exodus (numbers and characters counted in my total) is 4,345. I'm down to 13% from 17% in Genesis, so I'm either making progress, leaving a bunch of stuff out, or both.

Okay, Aaron...remind me what Jehovah was telling me to tell you again!

Exodus 31: Jehovah continues an education of Moses: Bezalel, of Judah’s tribe and Oholiah, of Dan’s tribe are appointed by Jehovah specialists of all things: gold, jewelry, brass, Tent, ark, mercy-seat, tent furnishings, table, vessels, candlestick and vessels therein, altar, laver and base, finely wrought and holy garments for Aaron, and Aaron’s sons, anointing oil and sweet incense. Moses is again reminded of the Sabbath’s representative place as a covenant between Jehovah and Israel, and Moses is at long last given two tables of stone written with the finger of God.

Exodus 32: Meanwhile, below Mt. Sinai, Aaron is gathering earrings to satisfy Hebrew murmurings that they lack identification with Jehovah due to Moses’ prolonged absence. Aaron sees some handymetalurgists have made a golden calf, and Aaron proclaims the calf to be representative of the gods of Israel. When Moses returns, he’s upset with Aaron’s interpretation, and breaks the stone tablets given him by Jehovah on the rocks. Moses asks who is with him at the gates of the encampment, and the Levites join him. Moses tells them to slay the unrighteous, and in one night, the Levites take out the 3,000 worst offenders. Those who personally crafted the golden calf were also smote, presumably by Jehovah, but it appears quite likely the Levites were acting upon Jehovah’s direct wish. Moses asks to personally make atonement for the sins done in his absence, which I guess pleases Jehovah enough to spare Aaron, since he has many future garments set aside.

Exodus 33: Jehovah tells Moses to have the Israelites remove their ornaments. They do, and they wonder again about the purpose of their leaving Egypt in the first point. Moses’ tabertentle is placed outside the main encampment of the people, and on an occasion, there is much clamoring there, and Jehovah appears again before Moses. Jehovah reiterates the importance of the personal relationship he has with Moses, conceding that Jehovah will be gracious to whom he will be gracious and will have mercy on whom he has mercy. We won’t get into a logic lesson at this point in time, as Moses is instructed to place himself in the cleft of a rock until Jehovah passes, but that Moses will have the ability to know Jehovah was in his presence by looking at His ass. (None may view the face of Jehovah, or they will perish)

Exodus 34: Jehovah (name meaning Jealous) tells Moses to craft another couple of tablets of stone, and Jehovah can again do the carving. While back in Mt. Sinai for forty days and nights, Moses is again told that: Idolatry is forbidden, the covenant is still intact, the feasts are still required, unleavened bread is preferred for sacrifice, don’t boil meat in milk, and the stones were again carved with commandments while Moses fasted. When Moses descends from the mount, his face glows, so he walks about with a veil until “he went in to speak with him,” whatever that means.

Exodus 35: Moses calls the people to bring goods and labor required for the assembly of the tabernacle. Lots of colorful garments, precious metals, and acacia were brought by skilled people. A new requirement for Sabbath I hadn’t noticed is that no fires may be set in homes on the rest day. Perhaps there was an arson flareup in camp…

Exodus 36: Bezalel and Oholiab, General Contractors on the Tabernacle project, tell Moses that they have a surplus of supplies. Moses dispatches word to the people to cease delivery. Bezalel makes curtains and golden connecting clasps. It also looks like Bezalel was in charge of the carpentry as well, along with the silver sockets at the joints of the acacia. I guess a cubit is about 18 inches long.

Exodus 37: Bezalel also makes the ark, mercy-seat, table. And the staves. And the vessels and dishes. And the candlestick and candlestick accessories. And the altar. I hope for Bezalel’s sake that Oholiab was strictly the money man in their operation, because he took a hell of a lunch break during this project.

Exodus 38: The materials used in construction of the court, or atrium. The gold and silver used in construction are valued. The census of the people over 20 years are 600,350. Credit is given to Oholiab for his embroiding talents, which must have been extensive.

Exodus 39: The priests’ outfits are garmented. The crown was special, as it was engraved “HOLY TO JEHOVAH.” Moses blesses the workers.

Exodus 40: There is an allusion here by Jehovah’s discourse with Moses that the temple might be used only for special feasts (the three a year), but maybe not. Jehovah might have been referring to the initial erection of the tent, which was highly portable. Furthermore, any future moving of the tent and contents thereof was mandated by the presence of cloud/fire (presence of Jehovah) in the midst of the tentanacle.

Exodus 21-30

Exodus 21: A truly awful reading of mandates by Jehovah to Moses concerning ethics and property law, including, but in no way, shape, or form limited to: Treatment of servants, death penalty violations (smiting parents, stealing men for resale, cursing parents, murder, improperly fencing oxen that have previously gored, etc.), livestock rights and responsibilities, cistern responsibilities.

Exodus 22: This chapter might even be worse than the last**, with Jehovah issuing decrees about: restitution, arson, usury, not allowing sorceresses to live, not fucking beasts, affliction of the poor, a subtle reminder about the sacrifice of all firstborn, not hating God, worshiping, and leaving dead things found in the field for dogs.

**What makes it truly worse for me is the concordance in the Spanish edition. I see Deuteronomy, Leviticus, and Numbers cross-referenced all over the place in footnotes, and having read these texts before a couple of times, I know the redundancy is just now getting started. Page-long instructions regarding the treatment of a Hebrew slave and compensations for nomadic farmers' misdeeds bear little relevance in contemporary life.

Exodus 23: More laws, fallow land after six years, three feasts per annum: Passover, harvest, end of year. Another reminder of firstfruits. Jehovah finally promises to drive off the Amorite, Perizzite, Canaanite, Hivite and Jebuzite, but not all at once. It will be a struggle, says He, but once it happens, the covenant is re-repeated, promising a homeland from the Red Sea to the sea of the Philistines***, from the wilderness to the Euphrates. Lots of land included with this covenant reminder.

***Presumably, the Mediterranean.

Exodus 24: Mt. Sinai again. Moses, along with 70 elders come near Mt. Sinai. The elders include: Aaron, Nadab, Abihu, Joshua, and Hur. These men see the presence of Jehovah there, under His feet a work of Saphire. Moses had previously written upon Jehovah’s command some recent occurrences, but Jehovah offers tables of stone with written law for clarity. Moses alone dealt with the cloud of Jehovah for six days, when Jehovah summoned Moses within the midst of the cloud. Moses then stayed in the mount forty days and nights.

Exodus 25: On offerings unto Jehovah: No cheap stuff. The ark/showtable (table of Showbread): Acacia and gold. All gold utensils and candlesticks, hammered. Follow the blueprints given thee on the mount, says Jehovah to Moses.

Exodus 26: Measurements for curtains. Specifications for curtains. Acacia specified for wood in the tabernacle. Joinery specifications for tabernacle boards.**** Specifications for screens.

****I may not be able to continue reading in Spanish much longer. This is miserable and altogether pointless enough in English.

Exodus 27: Specifications for building the altar and the court. Much discussion of fabric and brass sockets.

Exodus 28: Aaron is to be dressed as a modern-day pimp when ministering. (Or almost exactly like Mad Donna during the 2012 Superbowl halftime show)

Exodus 29: An offering schedule, with specific requirements therein. Looks to me like one bloody and very unsanitary tent.

Exodus 30: Atonement cost is a half shekel of silver annually. No more, no less. The washbin shall be bronzed. Anointing oil is holy. Incense is important.

Exodus 11-20

Exodus 11: Moses tells Pharaoh about Jehovah’s plan to get rid of firstborn of Egypt, including cattle.

Exodus 12: Jehovah lays it down for Aaron and Moses: On the tenth of a month unspecified to be the beginning of the year, a perfect year old sheep or goat male is set aside for each of the houses of Israel. On the fourteenth, at evening, kill it in front of the congregation. Then, smear that blood from the kill on the sideposts and lentils of the homes that are to eat of the lamb and unleavened bread. Do not boil the lamb. Roast it whole over fire. If there are any leftovers, incinerate them. No shoes, no pants, no staff in hand, no Passover. When the above happens, Jehovah will smite as specified above (Ex 11). Then, for seven days annually, eat unleavened bread. In fact, take the leaven out of the house on the first day of the event. Jehovah sees blood, passes over Hebrew homes. Do not work on the celebration days bookending this week. To be clear, Jehovah reiterates that from the fourteenth to the twenty-first, this bread issue is important. The firstborn killing comes to pass, and the Israelites ask for treasure on their way out of Egypt, and the Egyptians are plenty happy to be rid of this plague Jehovah has brought upon Egypt. Pharaoh appears to have relented here, and the Israelites are told to get going quickly. 600,000 men not counting children depart from Rameses to Succoth (Another Goshen town in the Eastern Nile delta). 430 years the Hebrews spent in Egypt. There are very specific rules regarding who may or may not participate in Passover, much of it related to circumcision.

Exodus 13: Easily the most bizarre chapter in the bible so far, and that’s saying something. All firstborn males are Jehovah’s. Maybe not the Hebrews. Maybe so. Jehovah says one thing to Moses, then He says another, maybe in an attempt at clarity. The bread thing is reiterated again, and is damned clear. The consecration of firstborn looks like it might be troublesome, because there are instructions to kill off any beasts that weren’t offered initially, and so forth. After the confusing order regarding flock and/or man to serve as what appears to be a constant reminder of Passover, Jehovah guides the Israelites to the Red Sea, and it is a 24-hour operation. The Hebrews are led through the wilderness by day with a pillar of cloud, and at night, by a pillar of fire. The previously unnamed Passover month is stated to be Abib.

Exodus 14: Jehovah instructs Moses to turn back to encamp before Pihahiroth (maybe modern-day Arsinoe, Egypt?), between Migdol and the sea, but before Baalzephon. The Hebrews are a little apprehensive about this situation of apparent death in the dessert, but Jehovah tells Moses to cast the godstick above the waters of the Red Sea, and to gain escape from Pharaoh, now pursuing the Hebrews. The treatment of the pillar of cloud and pillar of fire is an odd one here, as the night of the sea parting, the pillar of fire is placed between the Israelites and Egyptians. (Not at the head of the Israelites’ encampment, as during the first parts of the journey) But the sea is parted at night by a great East wind, the Hebrews make their journey, Jehovah forces the wheels off Pharaoh’s 600 chariots, and a great many Egyptians are thwarted in their attempt to return Israel to servitude.

Exodus 15: Song time. Miriam the prophetess, sister of Aaron, gathers the women for a song that sounds a lot like modern-day soccer taunts between nations. The Israelites went to the wilderness of Shur for three days, finding nothing to drink at Marah. Jehovah advises to dunk a certain tree in those waters, which makes the bitter water sweet. On to Elim, with its twelve springs and seventy palms.

Exodus 16: The Hebrews murmur against Aaron and Moses. Jehovah instructs Moses that the Hebrews will be provided for, despite the general err of their ways. Quails descend on the camp at evening, and at morning, there is a honey-tasting Manna to be had in the fields. This entire passage could use quite a bit of clarification. But for forty years, the Hebrews got manna in the desert. More specific instructions are given about the seventh day being one in which no manna could be taken, but on the bright side, it was the only period for which manna could be collected in said abundance without spoiling.

Exodus 17: Moses tells Joshua to gather troops after tapping a rock at Rephidim with the godstick for water. Amalek is the foe, and Moses, Aaron, and Hur climb a hill to watch the battle. When Moses holds up his hands, the Hebrews win the battles. So Aaron and Hur hold up Moses’ hands long enough for Israel to prevail. Jehovah mentions to Moses that it might be important to write some of this stuff down in a book.

Exodus 18: Moses meets with his father-in-law Jethro, who advises that Moses start delegating some authority over the people, as Moses is quite a bit overworked, and not handling things too well. Moses, with Jethro’s help, delegates authority to assistant judges to interpret and pass judgment regarding ethics and law. First example of local delegation of the Hebrew authority.

Exodus 19: Three months into their exile from Egypt, Moses meets Jehovah at Mount Sinai, where he receives contradictory instructions about the preparation in three days for Jehovah’s address of the Hebrews. The clothes should be clean, and they should stay away from women and Mt. Sinai during this time. Or not.

Exodus 20: At Mt. Sinai, Jehovah shares with Moses some law: 1) No other gods before Jehovah; 2) No graven images or idols, with a thick emphasis on Jehovah’s jealousy; 3) No taking Jehovah’s name in vain; 4) Remember to keep the Sabbath holy. Much emphasis here; 5) Honor mom and dad; 6) Don’t kill; 7) Don’t adulterize; 8) Don’t steal; 9) Don’t lie; 10) Don’t covet. There are some further emphases placed on how Jehovah feels about the idolatry thing, and specific rules about not modifying rock with tools when building an altar proper for sacrifice.

Exodus 1-10

Exodus 1: The generations of Israel are named and numbered. After time a new king of Egypt does not know Joseph, and finds no favor in the Hebrews. Pharaoh’s servants build storecities for the Hebrews: Pithom and Raamses. Still, the Hebrews multiply. He works their asses off (pyramids, anyone? There has been no mention of pyramids in these writings so far, and one would think they would be a highly prominent landmark of the era.), but they multiply faster and become more productive. Anti-Joe-Pharaoh issues a directive to midwives to kill Hebrew sons. The midwives fear Jehovah, and don’t act on this order. Their explanation to Pharaoh is that Hebrews birth very quickly, which is a satisfactory explanation for this leader. (He isn’t bright. If population control was his intent, killing the females, with their set reproductive limitations serves this purpose exponentially better than selectively killing the males.) Pharaoh then issues a mandate to all Egyptians to throw all male Hebrew infants in the river.

Exodus 2: A daughter of the house of Levi takes in some guy and they fuck. She has a kid, so they place it in an ark in the river reeds where Pharaoh’s daughter bathes. Pharaoh’s daughter finds the kid, who cries, she has compassion, seeks the sister of the baby’s father (placed there as a plant by babydaddy) to find a Hebrew chick to give suck. Babymama gets a paid job from Pharaoh’s daughter to nurse her child, who the Pharaoh’s daughter names Moses (to draw). Moses grows up. An Egyptian smites a Hebrew in front of Moses. Moses makes sure no one is looking, smites the Egyptian for smiting. Kicks sand over the Egyptian. Moses starts to break up a fight between two Hebrews the next day, and the fighters ask if Moses is going to kill them, like he did the Egyptian. So Pharaoh heard about that whole murdering thing, and Moses had to exile himself to Midian. Naturally, there is a well there and chicks bring the herd to the well. Moses defended the honor of some chicks, and Reuel, the shepherd chicks’ father wants to meet Moses. The meeting went well, with Moses getting sexed by Zipporah, daughter of Reuel. Zipporah bears Gershom (sojourner). The brilliant king of Egypt dies, the Hebrews collectively sigh relief, which reminds God of his covenant to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.

Exodus 3: Moses is keeping the flock of Jethro, his father-in-law (of the house of Reuel???) near the mountain of God at Horeb. Jehovah appears in a bush that won’t burn. Jehovah instructs Moses to deliver the Hebrews out of Egypt and back to Canaan. Moses wants to know how to identify Jehovah when asked, and perhaps Jehovah gets testy, because for the first time in either book, a message is all capitalized: I AM THAT I AM (YO SOY EL QUE SOY) Maybe I should read the notes. An ancient version of “it is what it is.” Hell, the thing’s only ¾ million words already….But hey, milk and honey, and good things are coming for the Hebrews. Jehovah concedes that Pharaoh won’t let the Hebrews go willingly, but that Jehovah had certain plans to persuade the Egyptian rulers. Such plans involved a change in public opinion swaying radically so that the Egyptian populace will be happy to give away flocks and treasures to the Hebrews upon their deliverance out of Egypt.

Exodus 4: Moses knows no one will believe this encounter with Jehovah. God asks Moses to identify what is in his hand. Moses correctly identifies it as a rod. Jehovah tells Moses to throw it down, where it becomes a serpent. God tells Moses to pick it up by the tail. Moses does, it’s a rod. God makes sure Moses understands the difference, and repeats the promise of the covenant. Jehovah instructs Moses to touch his hand to bosom, then to look at it. Jehovah made Moses’ hand of a leper, and when Moses again touches his bosom, the flesh is renewed. Jehovah tells Moses that if these stunts don’t work, to draw river water and pour it on to the dry earth, where it will become blood. Moses tells God he isn’t very bright, but God insists Moses will be fine. God tells Moses to go, but Moses asks for help. At this point, God becomes upset with Moses, and tells Moses that Jehovah had already given Moses the assistance of his brother Aaron the Levite. Aaron could do the speaking, as long as Moses could convey the basic idea of what Jehovah has in mind.

Moses requests leave from Jethro, who tells Moses to go in peace. Jehovah reiterates to Moses, a slow learner, that it is time to go, that people are dying while he’s fooling around. Jehovah reminds Moses to perform tricks, and reminds Moses he’ll have to see Pharaoh to get this accomplished. It came to pass in the lodging-place that Jehovah is fed up with Moses, as he hasn’t even performed the duty of shearing his son’s penis yet, so Moses falls gravely ill. Zipporah does the dick cut with a piece of flint on Gershom, presumably. This passage is horribly vague, but I think that Jehovah is disgusted and running out of patience with Moses, and this is a mini-trial, now passed with Zipporah finding greater favor with Jehovah with her dick cutting ability and quick thinking. Jehovah tells Aaron to meet Moses to become Jehovah’s spokesman for this mission, and Aaron does so, spreading the word of Moses’ experience to the Hebrews.

Exodus 5: Moses and Aaron visit Pharaoh, asking for the three day feast in the desert to worship Jehovah. Pharaoh, unfamiliar with Jehovah, states that the Hebrews must be idling if they have want for a break, and he commands his servants to cease delivery of straw for brickmaking. Hebrews scatter, gathering straw, but are expected by Egypt to continue brick production at their former levels. Moses discusses weaknesses of the plan as currently executed with Jehovah.

Exodus 6: JEHOVA is a personalized name here in Spanish with discourse between Jehovah and Moses at the beginning of the chapter.(2,3) In English, no such bold lettering with the Jehovah naming. The Hebrew El Shaddai appears for God Almighty. (3) Jehovah or JEHOVA (depending on how personal or in what language one wants to consider the discourse) reaffirms the covenant, and explains his increasing personalization to Moses. (Of all people in the bible to render this explanation to, this choice is an odd one. Meant to be, I suppose.) The Hebrews, now suffering mightily under Pharaoh, don’t want much to hear Moses out about the covenant. Jehovah appears again to Moses recommending a return to Pharaoh’s for the repeat release request. Moses tells Jehovah he doesn’t even have control of the Hebrews, much less Pharaoh, and that further claims an origin related to female circumcision, or not. Possibly Jehovah was as confused as I am at this discourse, but he turns over charge in execution of the entire operation to both Moses AND Aaron. (my caps here.) Moses again repeats that he is of uncircumcised lips, meaning I guess that some people have a way with words, and other people not have way, I suppose. **Analysis stolen directly from Steve Martin here.** This chapter is damned unclear, truly painful reading including the genealogy of Aaron and Moses. Worst chapter to read thus far in the bible, though I know well it will get much worse from time to time, and sometimes for great stretches. This chapter is this work’s prophecy unto its own self.

Exodus 7: Jehovah reiterates to Moses the importance of Aaron being Moses’ and Jehovah’s conduit of communication to Pharaoh. At the time, Moses is 80, Aaron 83, so this provides some hope to the author to either make something productive of life, or maybe I’ll just put it off another 40 years. Jehovah suggests the rod/serpent trick, so Moses gives Aaron the godstick to chuck on the ground, and it serpentizes. Pharaoh calls in his court of magicians, who are able to repeat the stunt. Moses’ godstick swallows those of Pharaoh’s priests, and Pharaoh’s heart is hardened my Jehovah’s cannibalistic serpentstick. God recommends further deployment of the godstick on the Nile, turning it and all waters of Egypt to blood. This is modified from the original plan, but Aaron and Moses do as commanded in Pharaoh’s sight. Pharaoh’s magicians are able to duplicate this task as well, but it appears Pharaoh is getting a little nervous about these Hebrews and the works of their Jehovahstick.

Exodus 8: Now frogs. Moses and Aaron, instructed by Jehovah, cast a plague of frogs from the waters of Egypt to cover the land. This happens, and Egypt becomes a weird amphibious mess. Egypts wizards are able to repeat this stunt as well, but Pharaoh calls on the two, and states he will let the Hebrews worship if only they take the frog issue away. Moses and Aaron via Jehovah are able to kill off the frogs, which the Egyptians stack in huge piles of stink in the fields. Pharaoh’s heart is again hardened, and he reneges on the offer of worship for the Hebrews. Now lice. Jehovah instructs Moses to instruct Aaron to smite the earth, producing a plague of lice (or fleas. Or sand flies.). Aaron so does, and Pharaoh’s magi are unable to perform this miracle. Pharaoh’s wizards tell their leader that this is indeed the work of God, and Pharaoh’s heart hardens. Jehovah instructs Moses to address this worship issue again with Pharaoh. Moses does so, threatening to bring flies with the godstick this go-around. Pharaoh does not relent, so awful flies plague the land of Egypt, except the land of Goshen where the Hebrews camped. Pharaoh again agrees that the Hebrews can worship, but wants to keep the worship in Egypt proper. Moses informs Pharaoh that the Hebrews will be stoned by native Egyptians due to the Hebrew practice of sacrificing abominations of Egypt. Pharaoh relents, stating it will be okay if they do not travel too far in the wilderness to get worship done, but after the fly plague recedes, Pharaoh again hardens his heart, and does not permit travel visas en masse for Israel.

Exodus 9: With repeated attempts by Moses and Aaron to persuade Pharaoh, Jehovah intensifies the punishment to Egypt. The murrain of cattle, and the pox of boils upon the people of Egypt only hardens Pharaoh’s heart further against the Hebrews. So, Moses via Jehovah (or the other way around, perhaps?) commands wicked hail intermingled with massive fires that kill everything in its path (Goshen is not in this path) except some Egyptians’ wheat, which had matured. Pharaoh once more agrees to let the Israelites leave, and Moses agrees to stop the hailstorm upon their departure. When Moses stops the hail, Pharaoh again reneges on his offer of freedom for the Hebrews.

Exodus 10: Locusts don’t work, so with the assistance of Jehovah, Moses blocks out the sun, bringing great darkness. Pharaoh agrees (yet again) to permit the Hebrews to depart, but Pharaoh does not agree to release the livestock, as his heart apparently needed fortification against the Hebrews by way of Jehovah. Pharaoh states that if he sees Moses again, it will be the death of Moses, and Moses seems at peace with this decision.

Matthew 1-13

Ed. Note: The OT is a lot greater in volume than the NT, but the reading regimen I'm under provides concurrent OT and NT selections. So, once in a while, we'll look to the future about 1500 years or so and see what JC is up to.

Matthew 1: Generations of Jesus, 14th generational Son of David, 14th generational Son of Abraham. Mary is pregnant. Joseph doesn’t want her all shamed, so they hit the road. An angel appears to Joseph, informing him not to worry about the pregnant wife thing, that it was only the Son of God, and that he will be named Jesus. Joseph woke up from that dream, and felt much better.

Matthew 2: Jesus born in Bethlehem under Herod. Wisemen came, fulfilling prophecy. (Mic 5.2) Herod heard of this whole King of the Jews thing, and became worried. He sent the wise men to Bethlehem to find out what was happening on the ground there. The magi are warned by God not to return to Herod, again in a dream, and they split. Another angel in Joseph’s dream instructs departure for Egypt, and to stay there until Herod is dead. Herod, being slighted by the wise men, slaughters all the males of Bethlehem 2 years or younger, the amount of time it took Herod to figure out the wise men were wiser than he thought, and weren’t coming back with news anytime soon, fulfilling prophecy (Jer. 31.15) When Herod dies, an angel again instructs Joseph via dream it was okay to go back, but Joseph was skittish, and settled in Nazareth for a spell.

Matthew 3: John the Baptist issues word that the Lord has come, and that prophecy is fulfilled. (Isa. 40.3) He mocks the Pharisees and Sadduees who come to his baptismal, and finally, Jesus arrives to be baptized. John is a little confused, thinking that Jesus should be the one offering the baptisms, but he is coerced into baptizing Jesus anyway, without his attorney present.

Matthew 4: The devil taunts Jesus during a forty day fast. Satan challenges Jesus with prophecy (Ps. 91.11,12), but Jesus turns the tables insisting that God cannot be tried. Angels minister to his corner after the devil is cast aside. He thinks it’s a good time to retire to Galilee, in Capernaum, fulfilling prophecy (Is. 9.1.2) Jesus starts a little preaching here. Makes Simon and Andrew fishers of men. Convinces James and John He has a better boat than their father. By this time, word had even reached Syria of what was going on in Galilee.

Matthew 5: The Sermon on the Mount. Many blessings. Claims to be enhancing prophecy, no destroying it. Jimmy Carter is called out for heart-based adultery. The intent seems to be the big purpose of this partly brimstonish display.. Only one oath matters, that to love and follow the Lord. Love the enemy, says Jesus.

Matthew 6: Alms—best kept anonymous. Prayer—best kept between self and the Father. Lord’s prayer. When you fast, do so happily. The true treasure is not of this earth, but in what comes next. A discussion of the uselessness of anxiety.
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Matthew 7: Judging others a bad idea because of casting stones, the Golden Rule as an example of productive living. Stay on the narrow path, it’s more fulfilling. Better to build the home upon rock than sand.

Matthew 8: Jesus cures a leper, then commends a centurion, while warning of much gnashing of teeth in the end days. Peter’s wife’s mother cured. Jesus calms a tempest.

Matthew 9: Jesus cures a paralytic, then meets and calls Matthew. The Pharisees wonder why Jesus breaks bread with the publicans and sinners, and inquire about the importance of fasting. Jesus cures the Ruler’s Daughter, and then the two demonic dumb men

Matthew 10: The twelve are called, and sent out to gather the lost sheep of Israel.

Simon, called Peter
James, son of Zebedee
John, James’ brother
Philip
Bartholomew
Thomas
Matthew the publican
James, son of Alphaeus
Thaddius
Simon the Cananaean
Judas Iscariot, the betrayer

Jesus issues advise to the twelve about acceptance, patience, and peace. He issues them caution in dealing with their adversaries, and try to stay a step ahead of the persecution. Don’t fear men, fear their maker. The value of the twelve relative to sparrows is stressed, and Jesus is really playing up the “love me more than all else” angle here, talking costs and rewards of service unto Him. This appears to be the first organization directed at spreading the word.

Matthew 11: The twelve are sent out across Israel. John the Baptist hears updates of Jesus’ progress, and Jesus struts all over Palestine extolling JTB. Jesus reproaches cities that don’t repent. Claims yet again that He is the light, that his yoke is easy, and that his burden is light. Good fire and brimstone stuff here.

Matthew 12: The Pharisees complain about the disciples taking someone’s grain, it appears, and Jesus responds citing examples of David eating priests’ food (1 S. 21.6) and the guiltless Sabbath profaning priests (Num. 28.9, 10) Jesus further defends working on the Sabbath by healing a man’s hand. The Pharisees took counsel against Jesus for His destruction. With renewed confidence of the handhealing, Jesus heals many more. Stakes further claim to fulfilled prophecy (Is. 42.1) The Pharisees concede Jesus has healing power, but thinks it is granted by Beelzebub the prince of demons. A house divided among itself… Jesus replies saying it’s okay to talk smack on Son of Man, but don’t go talking trash against the Holy Spirit. A tree is known by its fruit, with Jesus or against Him. The Pharisees want a sign that Jesus is actually working for good rather than evil, and Jesus states that only an evil man would make such a request. This chapter is a fairly decent study of logic in argument. The parallel is drawn by Jesus between himself and Jonah. Three days in a sea-monster equals three days in a tomb. About long enough. Jesus lectures further on the eternal torments of earthly wickedness, and recommends salvation in His word. His mother and brother come to see him, and Jesus responds by saying that any person who follows Him are his mothers and his brothers.

Matthew 13: Seeds yield according to proper sowing techniques. The disciples ask Jesus why he speaks in parables, and he answers that he can’t teach people that don’t understand, and don’t want to see. He speaks of the fulfillment of Isaiah’s prophecy. (Is. 6.9,10) Harvest only the good wheat, but don’t destroy the entire field because of the tares. Mustard seeds yield big results. Spreading out the leaven. Defense of Jesus’ parable policy, citing prophecy. (Ps 78.2) These parables are end-time lessons, with much gnashing of teeth. Harvest the good, destroy the bad. Cast a wide net, discard the bad. Lessons of the end time. Then He goes home to Nazareth to a poor reception. Might have had something to do with ignoring the family above. (Mt. 12)

Genesis 41-50

Editor's note: There are over 38,000 words (numbers omitted) in the KJV according to this list. This summary through Genesis stands at 6515. (numbers and characters counted) At a bloated 17%, it looks like I'd better trim the fat for the Exodus.

Genesis 41: Pharaoh has bad dreams. His magicians can’t interpret, but the butler at long last remembers Joseph from their internment together. Pharaoh has two dreams: One where 7 wonderful kine are devoured by 7 scraggly ones and the same thing with 7 husks of corn. Joseph explains Egypt will see seven good years followed by seven awful ones, and Pharaoh begins storing a fifth of grain produced each year as a reserve. At this point, Joseph is 30, and he’s become Pharaoh’s right hand man. Kind of governing Egypt, it appears, and he runs the grain stores. Joseph is provided a wife by Pharaoh, Asenath, who bears him two sons, Manaseh (making to forget) and Ephraim (to be fruitful). People all over the world are buying off the grain store of Egypt as the famine spreads.

Genesis 42: Jacob, last seen ripping up his clothing in mourning, hears about grain in Egypt. He sends ten sons to pick up grain, leaving behind Benjamin in the event the ten do not return. The brothers arrive in Egypt, and Joseph recognizes them, but the brothers are unfamiliar with Joseph. Joseph accuses the men of being spies from Canaan, and sets them to test. He keeps Simeon bound in Egypt, and gives the brothers grain and their money back for their purchase. Joseph remembers previous dreams about his brothers and his dominion over them, and just wants to see that the missing brother, Benjamin, is alive and well, I think. Reuben volunteers to make the trip as an envoy, telling Jacob to kill both Reuben’s sons if he is unable to complete the journey to and from Egypt successfully with Benjamin, and returning Simeon. Jacob does not agree to this arrangement, cursing himself to Sheol should he make such arrangements. I guess he’s favoring Benjamin as he is the only remaining son (that Jacob knows about, thinking Joseph is dead) from wife Rachel.

Genesis 43: Famine continues in the land, and Jacob allows the complete envoy back to Egypt, this time with Benjamin. Jacob ensures that enough money is sent to cover the previous and current purchases, and he also sends choice fruits and nuts of the land. (famine?) But anyway, this is done, and Joseph sees that the brothers have returned, and so prepares a feast. There, he releases Simeon from bondage, and asks about the general welfare of the family. There is some segregation going on at this little dinner, because it’s some sort of abomination for Egyptians to dine with Hebrews. Joseph prepares to send the men off with loads of riches on their return trip to Canaan, but prepares five times as much of this abundance for Benjamin.

Genesis 44: Futhermore, Joseph puts his personal silver cup in Benjamin’s bag. Joseph informs his steward to go out into the desert and run these guys down, and to put on a big ass show full of accusations in so doing. The brothers (at this point, for a change, they are not guilty of any transgression) issue their defenses, and empty their sacks one at a time, from oldest to youngest, and of course, Benjamin dumps out the silver cup and a shit ton of money. Mass clothes renting among the brothers. Judah asks in Joseph’s presence upon return to Joseph’s palace what can be done to make this little situation go away? Joseph replies by stating he will keep Benjamin as a bondman for his evil deeds. Brothers back to Canaan, is Joseph’s proposition. Judah proposes that Joseph keep Judah instead, insisting that if Benjamin does not return, that the evil hairs on Jacob’s head would doom him to Sheol for allowing Benjamin to go to Egypt in the first place.

Genesis 45: Joseph starts bawling when he hears this, enough that a report is delivered to Pharaoh about the scene. Joseph reveals his identity to his brothers, and appeals that they bring his father down to Egypt. Pharaoh agrees this is a good plan, and insists on it happening, providing the family with wagons and herds to make the transport possible. Israel (Jacob) faints when he hears his son Joseph is not dead, but is now governor of Egypt.

Genesis 46: Israel gets ready for his journey when God addresses him as Jacob at Beersheba. God tells Jacob not to worry about the trip to Egypt. It will work out. There is a windy generation of Israel detailing all 66 or 67 people who made the journey. Upon arrival, Joseph makes a declaration that his people are shepherds, but they are in Egypt now, so they can live in Goshen, because in Egypt, shepherds are an abomination. (Goshen is historically known as a region on the eastern delta of the Nile, thus named 7-3K BCE)

***There is a difficulty with the timeline here. If Genesis is the word of Moses, as some claim, its authorship would be in the second millennium BC. Even if Moses has not written Genesis, and the words were compiled shortly after Moses’ death, Goshen was not yet so named, but this would give these Jews time to build better pyramids.***

Genesis 47: The famine continues. In the second year of the drought, severe economic depression ensues. There are references to money being no good any longer, and a turn to direct commodity trading. When these commodities expired, Pharaoh, via Joseph began the process of land acquisition throughout Egypt. The text states that only the priests remained landowners under this system, so Pharaoh’s Egypt appears to be the first Communist state in recorded history. Those under servitude did so voluntarily, and agreed to forward one fifth of any proceeds or yields from the land unto Pharaoh. This is the first central planning scheme of governmental note, as there are passages detailing the relocation and reassignment of people throughout the land. It should be stated that the alternatives for the masses were likely death by starvation. If the money no longer had backing (I’m assuming there was a commodity crash on silver and gold), then travel would become nearly impossible. Supplies couldn’t be purchased. In any event, the people of Egypt seem genuinely happy with the treatment by Joseph/Pharaoh. Beats death. Speaking of, Jacob came to live in Egypt a total of seventeen years, and he gets ready to die at the spry age of 147, but he wants to be buried back in Canaan. I mean, his name is Israel sometimes…

Genesis 48: Jacob, now dying, is seen by Joseph and his two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Jacob promises all the fruits of Israel as he had been promised it by God. Jacob would like to be buried with Rachel, he says. Jacob, now blind, does not recognize the two sons. The blessing sequence is bizarre, because Jacob, a past participant in a blessing-stealing scheme that worked will not be duped. Joseph wants the primary blessing to be placed on the firstborn, Manasseh. Jacob crosses his hands at their presentation for blessing, so that Ephraim receives the primary favor and blessing of Israel. Jacob tells Joseph not to be discouraged, that things wouldn’t necessarily be bad for Manasseh, they just wouldn’t be as glorious as that of Ephraim. Furthermore, Israel tells Joseph he’s been set aside a special little place called shoulder (Shechem?).

Genesis 49: See, this is where a project like this becomes difficult, because there are 26 verses of rant out ahead of me, and in my mind, this 147 year old guy has his eyes rolled back in his head, he may or may not be speaking in tongues, and you never know if someone about to die is going to make any sense. Jacob calls all the sons together, and these are their fates as predicted by Israel:

Reuben: Jacob’s firstborn, should have done better, defiled your father’s bed.**(I had to look this up, because I couldn’t remember anything of the sort happening in this text, and going back through, it did not. Rabbinical texts state briefly that Reuben had fuck with Bilhah, maid of Rachel. Since his father also had fuck with Bilhah, this was somehow considered incest, though getting daddy drunk and sleeping with him had no immediate consequences to earlier generations. Perhaps this is the beginning of a new code of ethics, but if so, the rules were certainly changed mid-course on Reuben.)

Simeon and Levi: Jacob remembers that bad PR thing with the circumcisions and slaughter, I think. Jacob simply decrees that these two need to stay separated, so little incidences like Shechem massacre don’t again occur.

Judah: Some indications he might be a hell of a fierce warrior, and probably not one to be fooled with. He’ll hang on to the scepter until Shiloh, at least.

Zebulun: Beach vacation/vocation w ships near Sidon. (Modern Southern coastal Lebanon)

Issachar: A strong ass. He’s going to work.

Dan: Likened to a snake biting the backs of horses’ heels...not a good preview, unless you’re into that sort of thing.

Gad: “A marauding band shall press up-on him; But he shall press upon their heel.”(19) That’s what it says. What a shitty vision, if you happened to be Gad, standing there taking all this in, and hearing about all these other things promised to your siblings.

Asher: “Out of Asher his bread shall be fat, And he shall yield royal dainties.”(20) That’s shitty too.

Naphtali: “A hind let loose, he giveth goodly words.” (21) Again, shitty.

Joseph: A lot more praise than all of them from Zebulun to Naphtali combined. Hell, you want to crown his ass, crown his ass.

Benjamin: Like a ravenous wolf that eats everything at the kill, and splits up the bounty of the kill at night. Trying to sound flattering here, but after the heaps of praise cast on Joseph, it would taste a little bitter if I were Benjamin.

Okay, Jacob has changed his mind, and now wishes to be buried in the cave of the field Abram bought from Ephron the Hittite. Abraham and Sarah; Isaac and Rebekah, and also Leah (technically the first wife he fucked) are buried there also. Poor dead Rachel, buried alone. Israel dies.

Genesis 50: Joseph mourns, and orders a good, old fashioned Egyptian embalming. So…Israel might be out there somewhere? I’ll bet that’s worth some money. Egyptians of the time wept on Joseph’s behalf for 70 days. It’s not clear if this weeping was concurrent with the standard 40 day embalming period of the day. This passes, and Joseph asks Pharaoh if he can make a trip to Canaan to bury his father. Pharaoh agrees, and provides ample flair for Joseph’s journey. They arrive at the threshing floor of Atad for a week-long lamentation. Then, Jacob is buried in the cave of the field of Machpelah. The party returns to Egypt. There, Joseph’s brothers are worried that with Jacob’s passing, that Joseph might become vindictive about previous wrongs. They ask for forgiveness again and pledge servitude under Joseph. This moves Joseph, who reminds the brothers that he isn’t God. They live relatively peacefully in Egypt for the remainder of Joseph’s 110 years and at the end he reminds the Israelites the promises of Jehovah to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and the extension of that deliverance to their generations. Joseph was put in a coffin in Egypt.

Genesis 32-40

Genesis 32: Jacob is nervous about this upcoming meeting with Esau after hearing Esau had 400 men with him. He splits his own camp in two for survival, and angels meet him at Mahanaim. Jacob prepares a pretty substantial peace offering to Esau, and after dividing his camps he’s left alone, where an angel decides to wrestle him all night, and failing some sort of easy victory, molests Jacob in some way. Looks like a straight-up ball kick to me. So now Jews don’t eat dick, and stay away from meat in dick-like areas. The angel demands Jacob quit at day break, but he will not, so the angel blesses and names Jacob Israel, based largely on his ability to continue fighting after being racked.

Genesis 33: Jacob reconciles with Esau, it appears. Jacob purchases an encampment at Shechem from Hamor the Hivite. Esau journeys toward Seir.

Genesis 34: Dinah is avenged by her brothers Simeon and Levi, even after Hamor and Shechem have agreed to have painful operations performed on all male dicks of the land. Three days later, after the mass circumcision, all the men of Shechem are killed. Bad PR for Jacob. Simeon and Levi appear to be kind of hard-asses as the result of this incident, considering Dinah was with Shechem on her own account—her brothers just thought she was a slut, and though they may have been right, this reaction seems a bit unreasonable.

Genesis 35: Jacob is instructed by God to return to Bethel. He has his people stash away their idols, I guess God is pleased, as he then reaffirms the naming of Jacob Israel at Paddamaram. Rachel dies giving birth to Benjamin, and the number of Jacob’s sons is now twelve.

Genesis 36: Esau’s generations, the sons of Seir, and the various chiefs of Edom (Esau) through generations not persecuting Israel, so this says.

Genesis 37: Jacob’s generations: Joseph makes a snazzy coat, gaining favor from his father, and subsequently has strange dreams suggesting his future prominence over his brothers. As a teen, he appears to be a sort of tattle-tale against the other sons of Jacob. (Some of whom have previously demonstrated significant anti-social tendencies) Israel wants to know where the hell his children and flocks have gone, so he sends Joseph out to find them and bring back a report. Joseph finds the children and flocks have moved to Dothan. His siblings, learning of Joseph’s pending arrival, conspire to kill him. Reuben convinces the siblings not to kill Joseph, opting instead to dump him in a waterless cistern or pit, so that Joseph’s dreams can be fulfilled. The Ishmaelites are happening through en route to Egypt for trade, and Judah suggests selling Joseph to the travelers. It appears Reuben didn’t profit from any of the twenty pieces of silver profited from Joseph’s sale, because he returned to the cistern of internment to find Joseph gone, and is so distraught that the first of many garment-renting biblical fits occurs in this setting. Naturally, the siblings kill a goat, smear blood on Joseph’s snazzy coat to serve as Joseph’s comprehensive report to Jacob detailing the above events. Only a few sentences after Reuben’s historic clothes-renting, Jacob proves that genetics indeed have some place in biblical study, and he too rents violently, subsequently wearing only a sackcloth over his loins for several days. His sons and daughters are kind enough to offer to help Jacob mourn, but the texts suggest Jacob felt they had done enough. Plus, he wasn’t exactly fully clothed, and we have to mention this genetics thing again here, I think. These Ishmaelites possessing Joseph were apparently also called Midianites, who sold Joseph to Potipar, an officer of Pharaoh’s in Egypt.

Genesis 38: Judah gets an Adullamite concubine-friend named Hirah. Judah’s wife, an unnamed daughter of Shua, bears Er. Er is set up with Tamar, his soon-to-be wife, by Judah. Jehovah doesn’t like Er, so Er dies. Judah wisely believes a coping mechanism for this event is to send Er’s brother Onan to fuck Tamar so that Er’s name can live on. Onan didn’t want to knock up Tamar for whatever reason, and pulls out before he’s ejaculated inside Tamar. Onan’s punishment by Jehovah for this is death. Judah advises Tamar to stick around until his last son, Shelah is old enough to fuck Tamar. This doesn’t happen according to script. Tamar discovers at some point that Shelah is quite fuckable, but hasn’t been assigned to what would appear to be death by Judah. While Judah is on a sheep-shearing mission, Tamar puts on a veil, and begs Judah for sex right there in the fields, under the guise of a prostitute. Judah agrees to send her a goat kid for her work, and he fucks her, somehow not realizing who he’s fucking. Genetics. Judah is all bent out of shape over his honor, because he hasn’t been able to properly compensate his prostitute. He finds in three months that Tamar has gone-a-whoring. He’s appalled, and wants her burnt. When Judah holds court for Tamar, she presents the personal effects he’d provided as collateral for payment on his hooking, and he decides that she probably has more honor than he, for the reason that he hadn’t provided his son for sex for her as he’d promised in due time. Tamar has a breach birth of twins resulting in sons Perez and Zerah.

Genesis 39: Joseph is purchased by Potiphar the Egyptian from the Ishmaelites. Potiphar finds that Jehovah is with Joseph, and he becomes a house overseer in good favor. Potiphar’s wife likes Joseph as well, and repeatedly attempts to seduce Joseph. He never relents, and at a third temptation, Potiphar’s wife is able to disrobe Joseph before he (ahem) fled. Potiphar’s wife’s story is that Joseph tried to take advantage of her, of course. All that is written here is that they spent a great deal of time together, and Joseph claims nothing happened. Joseph is jailed by Potiphar, but his jailing experience is a relatively good one because he is, after all, Joseph. Jehovah finds things to favor in much of Joseph’s work.

Genesis 40: While jailed, Joseph makes acquaintance of Pharoh’s chief butler and baker, who have bizarre dreams. Joseph makes an inquiry to the meaning, and he prophesizes that the butler would return to his post in three days, and that the baker would be strung up from the tree. Joseph asks the butler to speak kind words of Joseph when the butler is released. Joseph knew better than to ask the baker for a favor, for in three days time, this little prophecy is fulfilled. Unfortunately for Joseph, he is forgotten by the butler. In this case, the butler didn’t do it.

Genesis 24-31

Genesis 24: Abraham calls in his senior servant, and directs the man to find Isaac a son from among his brethren, insisting that Canaanites aren’t suitable for Issac. The servant goes to Mesopotamia, specifically Nahor, and he waits by a fountain there, because even pretty girls need water. Sure enough, Rebekah arrives, and the servant prays to Jehovah for a sign that she will be “the one.” She does as the prayer suggests, offering drink and lodging. As a bonus, she’s a fine looking virgin. Rebekah tells her family about this representative of Abraham down by the well. They are relations of sorts. Laban, Rebekah’s brother checks out the party sent by Abraham, and Laban and Bethuel (presumably Rebekah’s and Laban’s father) accept this messenger as a thing that came from Jehovah, and that no judgment good or bad could come of this happening. The servant leaves Bethuel’s group with kind of a standing offer of marriage to Isaac for Rebekah. After at least ten days to think about it at the request of Rebekah’s mother and brother, she is allowed to go seek after Isaac. She does this in due time, and hooks up with Isaac. Isaac goes straight for his mother Sarah’s tent and gets busy with Rebekah. This comforts Isaac.

Genesis 25: Abraham, despite his old age, takes another wife, Keturah. Lots of descendants down that tree. Abraham gives all he has to Isaac, when he died at 175 years. Isaac and Ishmael buried Abraham in the cave of Machpelah with Sarah there. The twelve princes and generations of Ishmael are listed. It’s noted here that Bethuel, and therefore, Rebekah, were Syrian. Anyhow, Rebekah is pregged with twins, hairy Esau, and the secondborn, Jacob. Isaac was sixty at the time of their birth. Isaac favored Esau, the hunter, because Isaac liked meat. Rebekah favored Jacob. At some point, the hunting wasn’t going well for Esau, but Jacob happened to be boiling pottage when Esau came stumbling in from the field. Esau, starving, agrees to sell his birthright to Jacob in exchange for something to eat. So Esau despised his birthright.

Genesis 26: Poor Abimelech. It’s suggested that this is a different Abimelech than the one taunted with a sister/wife dupe job in the past by Abram, but this one is conducted by Isaac with Rebekah. Isaac initially approaches Abimelech during time of famine, and Abimelech King of the Philistines of Gerar graciously agrees. Isaac immediately begins telling people to check out his “sister” Rebekah. Fool me twice, Abimelech takes in Rebekah, only to notice looking out a window one day Rebekah “sporting” with Isaac. Isaac claims he was scared that people, namely Abimelech, would find out Rebekah was his wife. Despite this generational deception, Isaac is allowed to stay, and the locals are told by Abimelech to keep hands off, especially hands off Rebekah, Laban’s sister. The Philistines had filled the wells of Issac’s father Abraham, so Isaac got his servants digging new wells. He named these wells “Enmity” and “Contention” (Sitnah & Esek). Isaac then goes to Beersheba, where Jehovah appears in a visional dream, telling Isaac to fear not, and that blessings and multiplication would follow. Consequently, Isaac built and altar and dug a well. Abimelech went to Isaac to make an offering of peace. They had a covenant feast, it looks like, and Isaac sent Abimelech on his way. Concurrently, Esau was 40 years old when he took Judith the Hittite as a bride. This brought a bitterness of spirit to Isaac and Rebekah.

Genesis 27: Now, remember: Isaac likes meat (Gen. 25) He’s old, he’s blind, and he calls for Esau the eldest (by minutes) to bring back some savory food. Rebekah heard this, and told Jacob (her favorite of the pair) to fetch goats so that they could trick blind Isaac into blessing Jacob when he thought that Esau brought the meat. The ruse works because Isaac shares Esau’s hairy hands, and Isaac blesses Jacob instead of Esau, for whom the blessing was intended. Right after Jacob’s departure, Esau shows up late for dinner with some savory food. Isaac now realizes the trick, but informs Esau it is too late to get any blessing. He gets kind of a backhanded curse instead, considering Jacob is Esau’s overlord via the blessing. Esau wasn’t fond of Isaac’s ruling, and hated Jacob. Esau resolves to kill Jacob upon Isaac’s pending death. Rebekah urges Jacob to visit her brother Laban for safety’s sake. Rebekah tells her favorite son to tarry there a few days, until the fury of Isaac subsides. Rebekah shares with Isaac her personal discomfort that Jacob might take the daughters of Heth for a wife…maybe to explain Jacob’s subsequent disappearance?

Genesis 28: So…Rebekah employs the timeless tactic of convincing Isaac the whole Jacob relocation idea was his own. Isaac again blesses Jacob, and sends him off to Laban’s place in Paddanaram (An Aramian Kingdom of Mesopotamia) Isaac forbids Jacob to take a wife of the daughters of Canaan. Esau’s response to this was to bang every Canaanite he can find, so he takes on another wife in addition to those he already had (suggesting multiple). Jacob departs, and on his journey, he sleeps at Bethel, where Jehovah appears in a dream. Jehovah guarantees to be with Jacob, and to multiply his seed in all direction. Jacob awakens, places a rock for an altar, names the place Bethel (House of God--Jacob's vision had an escalator/ladder delivering God and angels from heaven to earth and back), and makes a vow.

Genesis 29: Jacob continues East. He encounters a well and three flocks of sheep. After some inquiries, the locals said that they not only knew Laban, but that his daughter Rachel came with the sheep. This looks like a love at first sight kind of thing, because it sounds like Jacob is all over the chick right there at the well where they first meet. He tells Rachel his story, and Laban brought Jacob into his house. Jacob stayed there a month, and proposes to take Rachel for a wife in exchange of seven years of servitude. Laban’s firstborn daughter was Leah, who has “nice eyes”. Jacob loved Rachel, who was “well favored”. After seven years, Jacob really wanted to nail Rachel, and he reminded Laban about that little deal they had drawn up back when. So Laban has a big feast, and must have gotten Jacob drunk, because he ended up fucking Leah that night when she was brought by Laban after the celebration. Laban’s defense of the act was that Leah was the firstborn, and it wouldn’t be fair to offer up the second born before getting the first knocked up. It looks like Laban makes Jacob wait another week before fucking Rachel, and that Jacob had to agree to another seven years of servitude to receive the sex product he was promised in the first place. In any event, Leah conceived Ruben (See, a son) Leah knew she was hated by Jacob, but he didn’t stop fucking her, because Simeon was next conceived. Thinking third time would be a charm, she conceived and bore Levi. And that didn’t gain her the favor of Jacob’s love either, so she tried again, this time yielding Judah, their fourth.

Genesis 30: Rachel remains barren, and envies Leah. Jacob blames Rachel for her infertility. Rachel demands Jacob fuck her handmaid Bilhah so Rachael can raise a child. Dan results. Bilhah produces a second son, Naphtali. Leah was jealous of all this attention given Rachel, so she sends her handmade Zilpah to fuck Jacob. Gad was the good fortune of this. Zilpah gets the well dipped again, producing Asher. Reuben is old enough to gather mandrakes, and brings some to Leah. Rachel wants them, and agrees that Leah can sleep with Jacob that night if but for some mandrakes. Leah agrees, believing that Jacob will love her if he just fucks a little more. So they fuck, and Issachar is the product. Zebulun comes at the next mandrake harvest, perhaps. Later, a daughter, Dinah is born. God feels sorry for mandrake-loving Rachel at this point, and opens her womb, producing Joseph. Jacob has had about enough of his in-law at this point, and approaches Laban about providing for this mess he’s got on his hands. Jacob and Laban strike a deal whereby Jacob can have any of Laban’s flock that black sheep, and the spotted and speckled of all sheep and other animals could be Jacob’s. Jacob sets out to selectively herd the stock, producing the more favorable results for his own herd through some means of selective breeding involving rods of poplar and reeds of the almond and plane-tree. I’m unclear on exactly the trick he pulled here, but I guess the animals were turned on by it, as Jacob’s herd grew in strength proportionate to Laban’s herd.

Genesis 31: Laban’s sons become jealous of Jacob’s success, and they bitch and moan to Laban about it. Jacob understands the game has changed, and becomes rightfully upset. He’d been working 20 years for the guy, and only had these daughters of Laban nagging on him all the time to show for his efforts. Jacob’s camp decides to get away secretly. What Jacob doesn’t know is that Rachel had stolen some trinkets from Laban, confirming her long-standing ability to be the biggest bitch in Jacob’s life. So, Laban is all bent out of shape, and finally reaches some sort of conclusion after being unable to find his knick-knacks that he could finally just let this outfit go. So they make a heap of rocks at Galeed apparently satisfactory enough to symbolize a covenant between the two men, and the two split apart, Laban agreeing to split the land at the heap, and to not pursue Jacob again.

Genesis 14-23

Genesis 14: Much war in Canaan, resulting in the eventual captivity of Lot, and the looting of Sodom and Gomorrah by the victors. Abram is notified of this error, and travels north of Damascus to remedy this situation. Melchizedek, King of Salem issues a blessing of Abram for much smiting.

Genesis 15: Jehovah comes in a vision to Abram, and Abram notes during their discourse that he can’t seem to get Sarai pregnant. Abram is told of many future happenings involving great smiting, four hundred years of drifting, and finally Jehovah’s concession that someday, all the lands from the Nile to the Euphrates were to be Abrams’ seed’s stead.

Genesis 16: Despite Jehovah’s covenant with Abram, Sarai remains sterile. (It should be noted that God doesn’t make any sort of promise about Sarai’s fertility. Maybe this is implied to eventuate.) But, Sarai has a handmade, Hagar. So Abram grinds her gears, getting Hagar knockered. Now Sarai becomes jealous of Hagar’s warm pregnantic glow, so Hagar flees. An angel of Jehovah appears to her by a fountain, promising more sex in her future if she returns. The angel instructs her pending son’s name should be Ishmael (God heareth). At a youthful 86, Abram is just getting started on a siring spree.

Genesis 17: At a frisky 99, Abram again sees Jehovah. Jehovah again promises fruitfulness, but this time has a plan of action. First, Abram is instructed to rename himself Abraham (Father of a multitude). All Abraham has to do is circumcise himself and every male over the age of eight days. Jehovah further instructs that Sarai has a new name: Sarah (Princess). Jehovah tells Abraham not to worry, that Sarah would deliver Abraham a son, which Jehovah pre-names Isaac. (To laugh!) And Jehovah promises Isaac will the the father of twelve princes, and that Sarah would deliver a year from this covenant. After this meeting, Abraham sharpens his knife, and gets to work.

Genesis 18: By the Oaks (terebinths) of Mamre, three angels appear to Abraham. I think the angels are there to convince Abraham that sex with Sarah would not be unproductive. Jehovah makes what I read as a statement addressed to all, but maybe no one. It reads as if God is either speaking to the three wise men/angels (It reads both ways) or He is simply speaking aloud, concerned about the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah. Okay, I guess the three and Abraham are now being addressed, or God has first addressed the three and then addresses Abraham separately, but Abraham has become a defender of faith in Sodom. Abraham repeatedly asks Jehovah about stumbling upon fifty righteous (then forty, etc.) in Sodom: Can this save the city? Jehovah concedes he will spare cities containing ten righteous, after much negotiation with Abraham.

Genesis 19: Two angels visit Lot at the gates of Sodom. (Maybe the third travelled to Gomorrah. Not noted here about the third angel, or if these are two of the three from Gen. 18) The wicked want to know what these guys are up to, and Lot offers his two virgin daughters to the angry mob to ensure the angels’ protection. The angels defend Lot when the unsatisfied mob still charges his home. The angels deliver much blindness to those who attempt to enter Lot’s home, and Lot goes into the city to gather his family. The cities of the plain are destroyed with much fire and brimstone by Jehovah, and despite being warned not to look back, Lot’s wife does so, leading to an unsustainable spike in her sodium content. Lot is delivered to Zoar, but he heads for the mountains in a cave with his daughters and some wine. The oldest daughter, perhaps remembering that Lot had offered the two to an angry mob to protect those guys they’d never met, decides to get Lot drunk, and have some incest with him. She does this and recommends this to the younger daughter. The older daughter has a son, Moab, father of the Moabites. The younger has a son, Benammi, father of the Ammonites. (Lot was Abraham’s brother’s son. I guess he is the new lineage of the cities of the plain, since those cities were destroyed.)

Genesis 20: Hasn’t this happened before? Abraham is travelling in a foreign land, and claims Sarah is his sister. She must have aged well, because Abimelech King of Gerar sent out for Sarah when they were in his territory. An angel visits Abimelech in a dream, stating Abimelech’s doom because Sarah is married. Abimelech notes that he never even touched Sarah (yet), and he returns Sarah to Abraham the next day. Abimelech wonders why Abraham would tell such a tall tale of his “sister”. Abraham responds by saying he thought it was a godless place. Abimeclech provides Abraham with a place to live, livestock, and a blessing to dwell. Abraham then prayed to God, who heals Abimelech, his wife, and maid-servants, and they bared him children. Then, God seals up the wombs of Abimelech’s people because of the complicit kidnapping via fraud of Sarah.

Genesis 21: Sarah conceives and delivers Isaac. Laughs abound. When Ishmael mocks, things aren’t so good for Sarah. She orders Hagar and Ishmael to be exiled, which upsets Abraham. God consoles Abraham, promising that Hagar’s line will greatly multiply in any event. I don’t understand how Ishmael was mocking anything, because he was young enough to still be abandoned by Hagar when they ran out of water. God intervenes, promising Hagar fruitfulness, starting with a fresh well of water. Ishmael grows to become an archer. Meanwhile, water rights issues were boiling up between Abraham’s tribe and Abimelech. God recommends Abraham to peacefully address this issue, though Abraham thought that Abimelech’s servants had destroyed a previous well. Abraham constructs a new well, meets up with Abimelech and offers some livestock to him. A covenant was made at this place, Beersheba, and Abraham planted a tamarisk tree there, living peacefully among the Philistines for some time.

Genesis 22: God tests Abraham, instructing him to make an offering out of Isaac. When God sees Abraham is actually going to cut up his son for the offering, He instructs Abraham to stop. I don’t know if it was luck or not, but a ram was caught in a thicket there, and the ram takes the place of Isaac at the altar. Jehovah is impressed and pleased, and receives God’s blessing. Abraham’s brother’s generations.

Genesis 23: Sarah lived 127 years, breaking God’s limitation on aging, but I think she had some special favor in His eyes. She died in Kiriatharba, and he then addresses the children of Heth. After lengthy negotiation to find a proper burial plot for Sarah, 400 sheckels of silver changes hands from Abraham to Ephron the Hittite. The field of Machpelah is thus purchased, and Abraham chooses to bury Sarah in a cave of the field of Machpelah.

Genesis 1-13

(ed. note: This is my response to trying to read Santa Biblia concurrently with a 1901 American Revision Committee bible. I have to take brief notes so I can refer to prior events as I run along. Please don't be offended by this, because I'm pretty much writing this thing from its core for an audience of one. I'll work on that down the road, when it becomes more highly practical. Feel free to add comments for discussion, if you feel I've missed the point of anything. I need all the help I can get.)

Genesis 1: A pretty busy work week, and the implicit end to polytheism. Adam is created in the gods’ image, makes days, seas, animals of both sexes, plants, etc.

Genesis 2: Jehovah plants a garden in Eden at the confluence of the Pishon, Gihon, Hiddekel, and Euphrates Rivers. Just don’t eat the fruit of this one tree. Here, I’ll even make you a woman…No shame.

Genesis 3: The serpent gets the woman alone, and tells her what she wants to hear. Now, she knows too much, and she shares this wisdom with man. Jehovah curses the serpent, curses the woman to have painful childbirth as the result of her disobedience, in addition to making her subservient to man. Adam simply has the ground cursed for his own sake. Thorns, thistles…no more god-given garden.

Genesis 4: Cain, then Abel are born to Eve. Abel=sheep; Cain=crops. Jehovah liked the offering of Abel, but found no favor in Cain’s. So Cain killed Abel, then lied to god about it. God promises vengeance sevenfold on the killer of Abel. There is a confusing passage here where Lamech, seventh generational descendant of Cain, deserves seventy and sevenfold punishment than that of Cain. Lamech’s own words. No real explanation what he thought he did to deserve that, so Eve gave birth to Seth to replace Abel.

Genesis 5: Generations of Adam. At the end of the chapter, it is found that Adam is a son of Lamech.

Genesis 6: God is tired of old people, and limits their age to 120 years. Upon further inspection, he finds no favor in the experiment with mankind at all, and decides to destroy what he’s created. Except Noah. Explicit ark-building and animal-fetching instructions are provided direct to Noah. Noah built.

Genesis 7: Noah is told to board the ark, and does so. The guy was grandfathered in on the age thing, as he was 600 at the time of the journey. It rained a lot, and it was pretty wet for a hundred fifty days.

Genesis 8: No more rain, but water everywhere. Noah releases a raven, I guess to flap its wings and dry things up. He releases a dove weekly to see if it can land anywhere. Eventually, the dove doesn’t return and the ark is grounded. Noah builds an altar, taking of every clean animal and bird, and apparently burnt up half the earth’s inventory of animal life. (Not maybe the case here—I think there was a clause for clean animals and birds to number seven in the explicit instruction manual given Noah by Jehovah.) God feels a bit of regret, and pledges to never again wipe out every single living thing when he is angry.

Genesis 9: God blesses Noah and his sons, warning about the consequences of eating raw meat and killing people. He establishes a covenant with a rainbow, promising to never again wipe out every single living thing when he is angry. Noah gets drunk and naked, and his son Ham sees this. Ham tells brothers Shem and Japheth what he’s seen, and the later two backed into drunken Noah’s chamber, throwing a garment over his naked ass. Noah wakes, knows the entire situation is Ham’s fault, and curses Caanan, blessing simultaneously Shem and Japheth with dominance over the Caananites.

Genesis 10: Generations of Noah.

Genesis 11: God didn’t issue a building permit for the tower at Babel. He was uncomfortable with the thing reaching to the heavens, so he cursed people to speak different tongues. He thought this would promote confusion and misunderstanding, and this was well-calculated. Descendants of Shem and Terah. Terah takes Abram and Lot, and Sarai (Abram’s barren wife) to Canaan to dwell there. Terah dies in Haran, Canaan.

Genesis 12: Jehovah speaks to Abram, telling him to get moving, and he’ll get a big blessing, and be great. Delivered into Canaan, drought ensues. Now Abram is on the move to Egypt, thinking there might be a better life there…except Sarai is good-looking, so Abram wants her to claim to be a sister to him. (He’s paranoid he’s going to get killed over his barren wife) So she was taken to Pharaoh, and Abram was treated well. Until Jehovah plagued Pharaoh’s house for taking in Sarai, Abram’s wife. This whole misunderstanding could have been handled differently, I think.

Genesis 13: Pharaoh just wants to be rid of plague, so he exiles Abram’s and Lot’s house. He and Lot divide the land upon return. Abram, despite some bad judgment, still finds favor with the Lord, and Lot is now hanging out in cities in the plain such as Sodom. Abram is promised everything he can see by Jehovah.